Removing the shame of being a young black man with OCD

Trigger warning: This post contains content that some readers might find upsetting. We felt it important to share the content as it was provided, but reader discretion is advised.

For three to four years, I knew something was wrong with my mind.

Finally, earlier this year on June 4th, it snapped.

I was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), a mental illness that creates guilt, shame and embarrassment due to the taboo nature of uncontrollable intrusive thoughts.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a serious anxiety-related condition where a person experiences frequent, intrusive and unwelcome thoughts, otherwise known as obsessions.

Intrusive thoughts, we all get them. Those without OCD dismiss them automatically with little consequence or anxiety, we with OCD cannot - a thought pops into our head and we are suddenly overwhelmed by an unnaturally high level of anxiety and then we continue to worry (understandably) because we can’t get rid of the thoughts or the feelings of fear. And, if it were as simple as thinking about something other than the thoughts, we wouldn't be tormented by OCD.

Shows like ‘Obsessive-Compulsive Cleaners - All 4’, were a terrible representation and an ill-informed education to viewers as to what OCD is like. The first episode aired in 2013. It presented OCD as an advantageous and superior trait, where people with the condition would come and help people with extremely dirty homes. Nine years on, OCD remains a deeply misunderstood mental illness associated with an incessant need for cleaning and symmetry. In fact, ‘only 26.5% of people with OCD actually have cleaning compulsions’, according to OCD UK.

I live with Sexual orientation OCD and Harm OCD. Sexual Orientation OCD, otherwise known as Homosexual OCD, is a subset of OCD in which sufferers constantly question their sexuality. It's estimated that 10% of people with OCD have this specific subset. A Sexual Orientation OCD sufferer can obsess about being homosexual, heterosexual and anything in between. Harm OCD is another common subset of OCD where you fear causing harm to others and yourself.

Sexual orientation OCD displayed itself through a dream, where I woke up with an unfailing conviction that I became gay overnight. I was so consumed with anxiety, I vomited and compulsively couldn't stop looking for evidence that I wasn’t. The OCD then migrated next to Harm OCD when an intrusive thought of sexual assault popped into my mind when I was with one of my female friends. I screamed at her to leave, fearing I could hurt her.I was raised in a matriarch, consisting of an army of strong, confident women, after my Dad died on Christmas day; hurting a woman is the last thing I could or would ever want to do. This new obsessive thought pattern terrified me.

As a result, I believed the best thing I needed to do was find a therapist, any therapist would do. But, OCD is much more complex and requires specialist therapy. I quickly found a Psychodynamic therapist. Quite simply, Psychodynamic therapy makes OCD worse If you have OCD, you need CBT ERP, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Exposure Prevention, where you learn to sit with the anxiety that thoughts create, allow anxiety to reach its peak then fade out with therapeutic support; it is a gradual process and a good therapist does not overwhelm you with exposure tasks.

Then, Suicidal OCD presented itself, adding to the mix of chaos in my already turbulent mind. Suicidal OCD is a subtype of OCD in which people fear they will lose control and kill themselves. I was out with my friend and an image of suicide popped into my head. Then the OCD took hold. Out of fear, I ordered an uber. I thought life was over, I called all my friends telling them I was depressed, wanted to die and didn't want to be here anymore. My friends were distraught and I couldn't see past my pain.

The next couple of days eating, showering and basic care of myself were heavily neglected. I did not see out of the pain in my mind. It was depression.

I woke up on Saturday 4th of June, my mind was flooded with all the thoughts. I was desperate for help. Luckily, I found a therapist online called Emma Garrick who saved my life. I pleaded for a phone call, where I was crying my eyes out, asking “Am I a bad person?, Why am I having these thoughts?, I don't want to hurt anyone, please what's wrong with me?.”

Emma immediately knew I had OCD. Therapy began on Monday.

Emma gave me hope, confidence and belief again that I would be okay. She has lived experience of OCD, which thus proves recovery from OCD is tangible. And here I am, further proving that recovery from OCD is possible; you can still have the intrusive thoughts and understand it says nothing about you.

I now am a volunteer advocate for Orchard OCD, the only UK-based charity funding better and faster treatment for those with OCD. I believe I am one of a few black people, if not the only black man in the UK at this point in time who speaks unapologetically about their OCD journey.

OCD ultimately destroys your sense of identity and those who live with OCD know the pain of building yourself up from the bottom. Writing my story is to give hope to the hopeless and a voice to the voiceless. I hope and pray that this article has helped to educate you as to what OCD really is and to share an insight into what truly living with OCD is really like.

Social media is an incredibly influential tool for birthing long-lasting change., Alongside my public speaking via TEDx 2022, and TEDx 2018,  modelling, influencing and journalism), I am on a mission to remove the shame of having OCD, whilst educating people as to what OCD really is.

Words and image by Shaun Flores. Follow him on:

https://linktr.ee/theshaunflores

@theshaunflores/ Twitter

@theshaunflores/Instagram

Flores Shaun | Facebook

Knowing your roots: why understanding your cultural identity can help your mental health

Can you imagine travelling to a new destination without any form of navigation, no phone, no Google or Apple Maps?

No conversations with someone who has taken the trip previously? Just you alone facing a trip to the unknown?

Would you feel comfortable taking the journey? Would you feel safe taking the journey?  Would you feel confident that you would reach your destination? 

I personally know that a lack of information and direction would leave me lost and confused before I even embarked on my journey. Now imagine a race of people who have lived for hundreds of years with little to no understanding of their culture or heritage and the implications that this would have on their mental health. 

Writer Sinai Fleary of the Voice Online used UNESCO ‘s 2021 UK National Commission in an article of the same year to ascertain that  “Heritage is inextricably linked to mental health and well-being.” Fleary went on to state that “knowledge of your cultural background and history promotes a positive sense of self, and increases social support, solidarity and resilience”.

As the honourable Pan-Africanist Marcus Garvey once said,  “A people without knowledge of their past history, origin and culture are like a tree without roots”.  Black history is a beautiful, rich and vast history. Our roots are deep, and our existence and contributions deserve to be celebrated every day without apology. 

How do we embrace such beauty when the roadmap to our culture was erased, edited and stained? 

The ancient Egyptian concept of ‘know thyself’ teaches us the importance of acknowledging every aspect of our being. 

Cultural identity is an important part of this acknowledgement and understanding. As the distinguished Black Psychologist, Na'im Akbar states in his book entitled Know Thyself, ‘knowing thyself’ allows us to achieve the ‘goals of identity and self-knowledge. Just like many other aspects of our lives, our childhood informs how we relate to the world as adults. I am a first-generation British black man born in the late 80s to two Jamaican parents, who immersed me in the sounds, sights and delicacies of Jamaica. I was taught about African History by my Father’s love for Roots Reggae which led to me developing my sense of culture from a young age. Despite experiencing various forms of oppression from a young age, my ‘roots’ were set in early on,  informing me who I am today as Black Person.

We cannot, however, assume that every black person connects or was informed how to embrace their culture in the same way. For example in his book Natives: Race and Class in the Ruins of Empire the esteemed Akala speaks of the oppression he experienced as a mixed-race child, he discovered that his ‘light skin’ did not save him from experiencing racism. Nor did it prevent him from being seen as a ‘confused mixed race yout’ despite identifying as Black at an African Saturday school that he attended with his siblings. 

Experiences such as Akala’s demonstrate how nuanced and diverse cultural identity is within the Black community. The analytical framework of Intersectionality as first coined in 1989 by American civil rights advocate and leading scholar of critical race theory, Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw teaches us that “People are often disadvantaged by multiple sources of oppression: their race, class, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, and other identity markers”. Intersectionality is therefore important in the quest to understand cultural identity as it allows us to recognise that all unique experiences of identity, particularly ones that involve multiple overlapping oppressions, are valid. 

Connecting with culture gives us a sense of self-esteem, connection, community and many other positives. For example, the late great Chadwick Boseman’s portal of T’Challa in Black Panther gave the Black community worldwide an unprecedented way of connecting with a superhero.

On the contrary, disconnection from your heritage connects to Marcus Garvey’s aforementioned quote on feeling like a tree without roots. As a therapist my clients have mentioned low self-esteem, imposter syndrome, and isolation being at the root of their disconnection from their heritage.

A report from The Story Terrace as quoted by Sinai Fleary’s 2021 article ‘Knowing your roots can improve your mental health’ connects to the negative impacts of feeling disconnected to one’s culture. Fleary revealed that 21% of Black-British people feel that feeling disconnected to their “culture negatively affected their mental health, breeding feelings of guilt, imposter syndrome or loneliness”. 

Signs that you may feel disconnected from your culture include feeling lost, loneliness, racial trauma, low mood and lack of self identity. 

Tips on how we can go about understanding our culture and heritage – 

• Travel to Africa, the Caribbean, Brazil

• Speak to the elders, relatives within the family and the community 

• Read books on Black History 

• Connect with a Black Therapist such as myself or the amazing therapists at Black Minds Matter provides. 

• Embrace aspects of the culture via food and dance, music

• Attend black events and support movements such as Black Pound Day and Ancestral Voices.

• Take a DNA to discover your cultural roots. 

The fact that Stormzy’s latest video ‘Mel Made Me Do It’ has garnered close to 4 million views (at the time of writing) in a week alludes to Gil Scott-Heron’s point that “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised’. It will be online, on your phone, on the streets and anywhere it needs to be.

Stormzy’s video is the perfect summary for this piece as it highlights how nuanced modern black culture can be. It can be raw, it can be great, we can come together and we can celebrate who we are without apology.

Words and image by Daniel Harris, Counsellor and BMMUK therapist. Visit Daniel’s website here.

Bubbles without Troubles

Trigger Warning: This post discusses topics that may not be suitable for all readers, please use your discretion.

On Black sobriety and saving our own lives

It was the moment my wig left my head and flew across the room whilst cheating on my boyfriend in front of a room full of people, that I realised my relationship with alcohol had to change.

My name is Yaz Spark,  my pronouns are she/her and I’m a sober, black woman. 

I have been sober since 2016, so six years and counting. I went sober after realising I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism for my chronic CPTSD. I was employed, had so called friends (drinking buddies), and had somewhere to live. But I was trapped in an endless cycle of severe depression, anxiety, and lying, fuelled by drinking. I couldn't get the bus, I avoided people and social occasions unless I had drunk beforehand. When I went out drinking I frequently had no idea how I got home and that's if I even made it home - with no recollection of whatever had happened previously.

Going sober saved my life, literally and metaphorically. 

It's no secret that The UK has a toxic drinking culture, one where we are encouraged to drink to unhealthy levels and viewed as ‘boring’, ‘odd’ or ‘up tight’ if we don't. There’s a sinister undertone of exclusion of non-drinkers - bars are not safe spaces due to the lack of alcohol-free drinks options and atmosphere centred around excessive alcohol consumption. There's no fun alternative to socialising without the inclusion of a drink in your hand. Combine this with life pressures, pandemic, economic decline and living in a systemically racist country, and it's enough to make anyone feel like they need something to take the edge off.

I had been drinking since I was 13, when it was an induction to teenage life, and through each traumatic or nerve-wracking event, alcohol was always there to numb me from my feelings. The problem was, my underlying trauma never went away. Instead, the addiction grew. There is a strong link between mental illness and substance use disorders. In fact, according to the journal Social Work in Public Health, around half of those who struggle with addiction have co-occurring mental health disorders and vice versa. When we suffer from poor mental health we often lack enough of the “feel good” brain chemicals, like serotonin and dopamine. Alcohol tricks the reward centres in the brain so you think you are alleviating these symptoms when in reality they are being exacerbated.

Throughout my late teens and early 20's my family didn't really comment on my drinking other than to say I was going off the rails. Noone reached out to offer support. It was a problem with myself, in my family's eyes. I needed to stop and just behave. 

I made the decision to get sober in the summer of 2016. For me, personally, I found AA to be a smaller-scale microcosm of the society we live in. Not equipped to support its members who deal with myriad intersecting reasons for their drinking. Therapy was a true life saver. I searched for a therapist using BAANT (Black and Asian Therapists Network) and later on, I joined online AA groups run by and for black and brown people. 

I left my job, moved cities, and began my MA. I basically spent the first 2 years of recovery, living back at home, leaving the house 3 times a week, once to uni, once to therapy and once to the gym. That was my life. To begin with, I felt resentful and fearful that I was delaying my career and my life, but sometimes you have to be like an arrow and allow yourself to be pulled backwards before you can move forwards.

Sobriety takes courage. It takes facing up to yourself and your demons. It takes bravery to truly be comfortable in your own skin and accept yourself - flaws and all. If you are on this journey or are even just considering cutting down, have faith you will find your joy in the end. This is a lifetime process, not an overnight correction.

Being sober has allowed me joy and freedom I never would have had if I’d continued drinking. I honestly believe joy is our innate human setting, but it takes stripping everything back, releasing our addictions and doing the hard inner work to return to that state.

I no longer fear life, my voice or other people. I no longer try to drown my thoughts or cope with challenging situations by drinking through them. I actually have more fun at parties because I listen to myself and my body. If a party is not lit then I give myself permission to just leave and go do what makes me happy.

In March this year, I decided to solve the problem of creating safe spaces for non-drinkers by launching a pop-up non-alcoholic bar. I could never have done any of this without the joy for life and the desire to embrace who I am in a mindful loving way that sobriety and therapy have given me.

For more information and resources contact: https://www.baatn.org.uk/ ; https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://alcoholchange.org.uk/ , @soberblackgirslclub @soberbrowngirlscollective, @soberisdope 

Words and image by Yasmin Spark. Follow her on instagram on @sugarwaterxx and follow her company on @align_events_

Why not visit one of Yaz’s pop ups near you soon? We know we will be!

Maybe I Don't Belong Here: A Memoir of Race, Identity, Breakdown and Recovery

Warning: This post uses language that may not be suitable for all readers, please use your discretion.

Extracted from Maybe I Don't Belong Here: A Memoir of Race, Identity, Breakdown and Recovery by David Harewood

Out in paperback on October 13th (Bluebird, £9.99)

Waking up in a mental institution is a strange and bizarre experience made only slightly more bearable by the drugs administered the night before arrival. It’s an odd sensation to come round on a mental ward – in this case the Hollymoor Psychiatric Hospital in Birmingham – and not recognise your own body. It took a while for my hands, feet and legs to understand that they were attached to my body. I just lay there for an hour trying to make sense of what was going on. I knew I was awake and alive, but that was as far as I could make out. I repeatedly wriggled my fingers and toes to be sure they hadn’t been removed. Once I was 100 per cent certain that all of me seemed present and correct, I turned my attention to opening my eyes. My eyelids felt like forty-pound kettle bells and they absolutely refused to stay open. After a minute or two, they settled into a thousand-yard stare as my brain tried its best to focus and understand what all these people were doing in my bedroom. Slowly it started to come together, and I realised I was on the locked ward of a psychiatric hospital. Certainly not the best start to the day for sure and the realisation hit hard.

As my eyes began to focus, it was the decor that they settled on first. The crusty walls, the bedding and the parquet flooring came in for particular scrutiny as I cast a disapproving glance at my surroundings. When did I decide to move in here? Oh, that’s right. This was my second trip into a mental institution. I’ve been sectioned TWICE! I must be pretty good at this. My sense of smell was last to wake up and, eventually, I noticed the distinct smell of piss coming from the bed next to me. I turned my head slowly and caught a glimpse of the mouth-breather in the adjacent bed who hadn’t woken up yet. I gazed at him for what seemed like an eternity, trying to figure out how the hell I had ended up in a bed next to this guy. I was sure I was an actor before this. I was absolutely sure of it! I studied at a really good drama school, had lots of mates and laughed a lot. What the fuck had happened?

As I tried to gather my thoughts, the inner dialogue started to activate and then the usual chatter began, performing its confusing daily pantomime. But something was different today, there was something I needed to remember. What was it? My brother had visited the day before. I remembered because he had become quite upset with me when I tried communicating with him by singing the ‘Welcome’ tune the scientists in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind had played to the alien spaceships when they landed at the end of the movie. My brother was not impressed. He’d said something to me that was really important, though. What was it? ‘David, if you want to get out of here, you’ve got to start acting normal.’ Acting normal? Well, I’m an actor. I know I can act! I’ve got to start acting like a normal person, not a mental patient. That’s how I’m going to get out. So, I’m going to get up right now and brush my teeth because that’s normal behaviour. Get the fuck up and start behaving like a person who doesn’t belong in a mental institution. 

I sat up in bed and took a moment. I needed to plan what I was about to do because my head felt like it was swimming in jelly and I wasn’t sure where my toothbrush was exactly. Mum came yesterday and she brought me some new kit. There was a comb and a half-full cup of water, a magazine and a white plastic bag that presumably held my toiletries, but it all looked a mess. There were too many things on that shelf. I reached slowly down to grab the white plastic bag and look inside, and there was indeed a toothbrush and some toothpaste, along with some moisturiser and tissues, all the stuff mums pack for their boys when they’re spending the night away. It was all there. Normally brushing your teeth would take around two to three minutes. Under the influence of Chlorpromazine (the antipsychotic drug), however, I discovered that brushing my teeth would now take me forty minutes to an hour. Even taking a single step was difficult, walking in a straight line even more so. Navigating my way to the bathroom wasn’t easy and, once there, catching a glimpse of my rather puffy face and unkempt appearance did little to spur my soul. I looked fucking dreadful. It took a while to figure out that the person looking at me in the mirror was, in fact, me.

People-watching is a particular joy of the acting process and even in there, on this ward and in my confused and sedated state, I found it fascinating. I was the only Black patient on the ward; most of the other patients were white and of a range of ages. There was a beautiful Indian girl who was frail and fairylike who always stood facing the wall. She only moved when someone got too close to her. There was also a creepy guy I ended up naming ‘Iago’ because he wouldn’t leave me alone. One day I happened to fall asleep in a chair, as I often did, and I woke up to find him licking my ear! Well, that gave me a hell of a shock. I couldn’t gather my thoughts enough to tell him to fuck off at the time, so I instead gave him serious vibes for the following couple of days. He ended up leaving me alone. My toothbrushing routine became my secret escape plan and it started each day on a positive note and demonstrated that I was cognisant of personal hygiene and aware enough of my surroundings to make my way around the ward and back to bed. It became a daily performance and, even under the influence of the antipsychotic drugs, I did my absolute best to catch the eye of everyone I saw. Wake up, brush my teeth, say good morning to all the nurses and pretend to read the magazine my mother had brought in. All totally normal behaviour.

Looking back to my first hospitalisation, I recognise that I was probably quite a handful. I was distressed and frightened and, had it not been for my drama school friends Nick and Jez, God knows what would have become of me. This time, here I was again, a large Black man, with a big voice always asking twenty questions about the medicine I was taking. Once or twice I’d notice a male nurse or two lurking by the door, presumably ready to step in should things get out of hand. But I just wanted to know what was going on. When I was eventually released, Mum remarked that our family doctor, Dr Coles, had commented: ‘We’re lucky that David isn’t a violent boy. He’s acting out a lot but it’s all harmless and that’s a very good thing.’ Lucky me. 

Many people, particularly men of colour, have lost their lives being restrained in mental institutions. After my documentary aired I twice met people in the street, both complete strangers, who had approached to tell me of their personal experiences of family members who had lost their lives that way. An Indian man described how his brother who had had several psychotic episodes lost his life whilst being restrained and a Black woman told me of her uncle who died in the same manner. Both times I cried. It was so odd, strangers telling you their most intimate stories in the street, in broad daylight, and each time the pair of us sobbing about it. Deep down I was also thinking how easily that could have been me. So yes, I guess I was a very lucky boy. Now, two weeks into my stay, my mother, who visited me at the hospital most days, arrived with a particularly big smile on her face. ‘We’re going home!’ she said. ‘You’ve been doing really well, they tell me, and you can leave here and carry on your treatment with me back at the flat.

 The Chinese symbol for ‘crisis’ is actually composed of two characters, one signifying ‘danger’ and the other ‘opportunity’. I believed that buried in my experience was an opportunity for renewal, a chance to reset and build from a different perspective. I’d had a wild summer, but under my mother’s care back in Birmingham I’d recovered. Now it was time to fly the nest once more. I was together. I felt it. 

The extract is from Maybe I Don't Belong Here: A Memoir of Race, Identity, Breakdown and Recovery by David Harewood out in paperback on October 13th (Bluebird, £9.99)

Boundaries within Friendships, and the Impact on Mental Health.

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

Boundaries help to communicate, respect, and validate our needs within friendships.

They are important for our mental health and can improve our relationships by respecting each other as individuals. However, pressures and expectations within friendships can sometimes blur the boundary lines which can cause feelings of anxiety.

Examples of this can be such as feeling pressured by friends to respond quickly to text messages or be available at all times, and saying ‘no.’ What happens to these feelings? Very often we internalise them.    

Not being able to fulfil an instant level of support can cause feelings of guilt, anxiety, and make us worry that we are not being a good friend.

Having conversations with friends about this can be uncomfortable, but this also shows the strength of the friendship. One important friendship boundary involves being able to have these type of conversations which allow you to feel safe to express your feelings.

This leads me on to explore the boundary of different levels of support in friendships.

There are some friends that we are closer to than others, which means that support levels amongst friends may differ. So how do we start to think about different levels of support within our personal friendships?

In the past I’ve confused the different types of friends that I’ve  had and felt that everyone should get equal time from me. However, I learnt that there are differences between friends and acquaintances. History with a person can blur these lines. How much time, effort, and investment in someone makes them an acquaintance? Tyler Perry shared an analogy about people being like a tree, and this made so much sense.

Perry talked about people being like Leaves, Branches, and Roots, and this can be applied to friendships. Roots are the friends that hold you up, you know that they are always there, wish you well, and you are comfortable with them.

“If you go through an awful storm, they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.”

Branch friends are the ones who can hold you up at times, but are not as strong as roots and can break during tough times and are not able to weather all storms. The final type of friend is a Leaf friend, and they are only there for a season, or maybe suited to different activities (such as socialising). Explore your friendship groups, and the type of friend that you are. Are your support and expectation boundaries aligned with your current friendships?

Another important boundary is recognising that some friendships have an expiration date, and you may have to leave a friendship earlier than you thought due to it no longer working. I remember my therapist using a Train analogy with me when it came to the length of friendships. She said that relationships are like boarding a train. You will notice that there are people on the platform who begin your journey with you. Only some get off at your stop.  This can be applied to friendships. Some will stay with you, and some will not. However, they are all part of your journey.

So how do you know when a friendship is no longer working? I have identified some signs below:

Signs that a friendship is not working:

• Experiencing low energy levels and feeling drained, in or after their presence.

• The friendship feels one-sided with you always reaching out first.

• Feeling like you have to hold back on sharing your achievements, celebrations, or emotionally challenging times.

• No longer having much to speak about and awkward silences.

• Hanging out feels like an obligation.

• Frequent ghosting and cancelling plans, showing that priorities have changed.

• Feeling lonely in their presence.

• Experiencing more misunderstandings than understandings.

• History feels like the only thing holding the relationship together.

Friendships can change, evolve, or be lost and if you recognise any of these signs, the next step would be to have a conversation with your friend.

It is important to take time with what you are experiencing, as you are working through the loss or change of a friendship that has been part of who you are. This can be painful, so remember to have self-compassion. I found it important to have access to a safe space to work through this which can involve your support network or therapy.

There are some compromises that have to happen in friendships, but your mental health is not one of them. 

Words written by Martina Jean-Jacques, follow her on instagram on @mjj_psychotherapy

Rise

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

Liz Mingo aka [The Poet]

Sharing one of her poems with you today.

Rise....

The road may have been rough, 

You may have had it tough 

The same can be said for many of us 

Everyone has a story.

Some are innocent and sweet, 

Others harbour lies and deceit! 

Your innocence may have been taken 

Your childhood stolen

By the very person 

Who should have been your protector 

Instead, you inherit a monster!

Your life becomes a living hell.

You suffer in silence, too frightened to tell.

But you show resilience!  Find an inner strength! 

To RISE up, and Speak up. 

YOU ARE Beauty, 

Said monster is the beast! 

Let your innocence shine through, from your head to your toes 

Hide no more, the world needs to know!

So, Rise Up, Speak Up! 

Shout it from the rooftops!

Perpetuate hope, so that....

You, Me, Us 

Can ALL Rise Up; 

And make our voices heard!

Rise Up! and Speak Up!

Copyright:    13/04/2021 

                          [The Poet] 

Words & Image by Liz Mingo (@lizm4000)

Everyone feels a bit of anxiety

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

Hey Anxiety, we don’t know each other well but you trolled me once and now I’m onto you.

For those of you who don’t know, anxiety is a feeling of nervousness, or uncertainty, or even a combination of both.

Most of us don’t realise when we’re experiencing it because, like me, you’re set on the notion that anxiety isn’t common, but it is. I think everyone experiences some sort of anxiety attack in their lifetime. It’s a part of being human, of being able to think and feel. It’s those moments when you walk into a room and everyone has their eyes set on you, or when you overthink things because he/she took too long to reply, or even the time you took a shit at work and it wouldn’t flush straight away so you begin to feel hot and panicky. Look, I know you get it!

We get anxious about things every day and though the severity of it can range it doesn’t mean you’re a stranger to it.

During the start of summer 2020, I experienced my first anxiety attack/attacks. It took place over a few weeks. My body was radiating an abnormal amount of heat, I was overthinking a lot and my chest randomly ached. I was truly convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die, yeah God-forbid. But I was so sure of it I thought it was out of my control. I said nothing to no one because I was still me, self-assertive and positive despite all the crappy news I kept getting. There was a clear correlation between the bad news and the stress on my body but it was difficult to notice because I powered through it by focusing on what was going on in the bigger world, and being very vocal about it.

I was also very invested in being present and practising peace so when things started to heal with time I stopped believing it was my time. The worry about how I would book a GP appointment amid a pandemic just to tell my doctor I felt unwell had faded, the symptoms faded. And then five months later I watched a video about a girl explaining how she had an anxiety attack. I wasn’t even interested in it, this was a secondhand watch but as she explained what her attacks were like it triggered my memory. It was an ‘aha’ moment when I realised my mind had been playing tricks on me. I wanted to slap myself, I’d forgotten that whole experience and gladly so, but I was even more glad I knew what it was now because I knew that if the time had come again I would be able to spot it.

So how do you catch yourself in that moment? First of all, if something in your body doesn’t feel right you’d go to your doctor, wouldn’t you? So at that moment, it should have been as simple as I don’t think I’m gonna make it, I should probably tell someone I trust.

Sometimes telling people can give you a fresh perspective on things like when your friend notices your bum has gotten bigger because you’ve been working hard in the gym but you genuinely thought you hadn’t made any progress. As strong-minded as you may be, a nudge of encouragement or a small telling off can go a long way when it comes to getting you on the straight and narrow.

Secondly, focusing on external things outside of your head can really help slow your thoughts down. Something I did a lot was close my eyes and take deep breaths. I focused in those moments on my breath, what I could hear around me, what I could feel on my skin, and letting my muscles relax. Typing in ‘mindful meditation’ on Youtube and clicking on whatever came up helped keep me on track with focusing on everything outside of my mind. I also bought a painting book and painted for hours on end at times. It sounds so simple but focusing on getting perfect strokes into the crevices of different patterns literally takes up all the mental room for other thoughts. I would aim for twenty minutes and end up doing an hour and a half on average of painting.

Lastly, I did things more spontaneously. I kept telling myself to live in the moment and I did and I loved it. I went for bike rides and walks, I tried snacks from different countries, I got into more shows, I tried following Chloe Ting’s ab workouts and I saw my friends.

The thing is, we know ourselves well enough to know when we’re acting or feeling out of character, I knew I was but I didn’t know what the root of it was and that probably slowed things down.

Anxiousness affects us all but to what extent is where it somewhat separates us. Some people feel it quite intensely on a near enough daily basis and that is what makes it a disorder. For others like myself, it’s as rare as witnessing an eclipse but not strange. I couldn’t have known I was going through something like that at the time without any external input because I had already overruled that possibility long before it even happened. I was lucky enough to get through it without a scratch but that isn’t always the case, for some, it can snowball into greater issues somewhere down the line and that isn’t what we want.

No one is bigger than the other side of their mind, we can delude ourselves by simply overthinking and that’s why help when you think you need it most, is paramount.

In the end, hearing an outsider speak about it brought awareness to me and what I went through, and in reading this I hope it brings awareness to you too.

Words written by Aduke Adeyeye, follow her on instagram on @hhaduken

How My Friendships Have Evolved And Helped Mould Me Into Adulthood

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

Sometimes we may take the loved ones we have in our lives for granted.

Especially the ones that have been there for a long time, we forget to appreciate how they can positively influence our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. 

I felt like I always had a good group of friends surrounding me growing up, and I am lucky and blessed to say that. For some, I know it has not been easy choosing the right group of people. Friendships are vital to our well-being. They help us grow and develop as people and ultimately play an important role in who we are, especially in adulthood. 

In school, it was easier to make friends. I would find out what hobbies I liked and connect with others who were into the same things. But as I got older, I realised which friends were genuine and which ones were close to me just because I saw them every day. Similarly, when I chose to go to university, I was friendly with people on my course, but I stayed friends with those I didn’t want to lose. 

As an adult, I’ve understood the value of having good people in my life, people who add something meaningful and positive. I’ve learnt to respect boundaries and work on my communication as well. And this is not just with friends, but with the relationship I have with family members, too. 

I’ve noticed that each friend and friendship group I’ve been in has served a different aspect of my life. Work friends, for example, before the pandemic, would always be up for socialising and meeting up after work. Uni friends were the same, wanting to meet up in an environment that wasn’t so stressful—wanting to open up to you and get to know another side of you. 

Not everyone is social, however. Some friends thrive in smaller groups and don’t feel the need to know new people, and that’s okay too. Either way, you are letting somebody into your world, making space for understanding and acceptance, and creating a sense of purpose. 

Lockdown has shown me who I care about and who I’m happy to reach out to without feeling awkward or hesitant. I don’t speak to some friends regularly, but I know when we catch up, it’ll be from where we left off. Everyone is busy and has their own lives, so I know not to take offence from individuals who may need their distance. They may have a lot going on, and I have to understand that. I think it’s good to have my own space and time to myself, but I think it’s even better to talk to someone so I’m not holding it all in.

Like many others, my mental health has been tested in this pandemic. But reaching out to those who genuinely want the best for me has helped remedy any negativity. When I’ve felt lonely, it’s nice to know there’s at least one person I can reach out to, helping with my self-esteem and well-being.

Some people may just fade away from your life, and that’s fine. We shouldn’t feel the pressure to try and force a relationship if nothing is holding it together. It’s good to walk away from people who you think aren’t adding anything to your life. And not in a rude way but a way of growth and progression for what you want. We should always be wary of friendships when they start to feel toxic. When things begin to seem one-sided, and you don’t feel appreciated as a person, then it’s a good idea to rethink that situation. 

I know that having good friendships has improved the quality of my life. I’ve laughed the hardest with the ones I love, made memories with people I care about and shared secrets that I would otherwise take to the grave! With all the good, there are also challenging times that can creep up. It’s normal to disagree with someone close. But it’s necessary to know that real friends will only have your good intentions at heart. Their opinions may hurt feelings, but sometimes we need to hear them. They are there to help us grow, question our choices, and help mould us into the individuals we are today, even if we don’t realise.

-Seraphina Adebayo

Follow Seraphina on instagram on @wordsbyseraphina.

The Tightrope Experience

Picture yourself taking on the challenge to practise walking on a tightrope.

As you approach the rope with caution to take your first step, you check your foot position. You consider your balance and look at your intended destination. You consider your posture and take a deep breath in. You try and fall but are caught by the safety net.

Encountering life experiences can be like walking on a tightrope. 

The skills required for, balance, focus, determination, and posture in tightrope walking mirrors that of how we navigate the journey of life. To perfect these skills, takes practice, which may mean you lose balance, fall, and get back up again. 

Falling off

We cannot always get things right which can be frustrating and confusing but remember it’s ok to make mistakes. What helps is to get back up and to learn from said mistakes. If you do fall, what helps you to get back up? Like a tightrope walker will have a safety net, to help get them back on board and realign themselves to continue their journey. Do you have a safety net? If so, what is this mesh made up of? 

Your net can be a combination of external and internal wefts. The things that keep you going. The things that encourage you. The things that protect you. 

Identifying your safety net

It can help to reflect on what makes up your supportive web and how strong it is in holding you. 

A great way to explore this is to try this exercise, which can help you identify your personal support network that facilitates positive mental wellbeing. 

Grab an A3 size or bigger piece of paper (please use a device if you prefer) and follow the steps below. You will also need different coloured pens. Feel free to be as creative as you like.

1. Draw a picture or symbol of yourself in the centre.

2. Using one colour, draw pictures or symbols of all the people that offer you emotional support around your centre. This can be family, friends, teachers, or professionals. Tip: consider their distance to the centre (you). i.e., how often you engage with them. 

3. Using one colour (different to step 2), draw pictures or symbols of the activities that help you to de-stress and/ or help you to re-centre yourself. This could involve your hobbies, self-care activities, etc. 

4. give an indication of the strength of these supports. Are they strong or weak links? Is this support regular or occasional? You can indicate this by drawing dotted lines to indicate occasional support and heavier lines to indicate strong or regular support.

5. Now add the things that block your progress in a different (unused) coloured pen. Indicate what stops you from getting the support you need? You might include criticism from other people, self-doubt, low mood, anxiety, or the unavailability of support.

This is your net. Take a moment and analyse this support network. From this reflection would you make any changes? What would they be?

Top tips to expand or strengthen your net

1. Find a home for that armour. Learn when to be vulnerable, by challenging yourself to be different and better in your encounters. This can help you to feel secure as you form better attachments within your net.

2. Explore other relationships or activities. You may have been let down, don’t want to be a burden, or even taught not to rely on others. Look into finding a variety of supportive elements to help expand your net.  

3. Take control over what you want in your life and how you want it.  

4. Review your support system regularly. We evolve and things may change due to circumstances. Check your interests. Check how effective the connectors within your net are. 

It is common within the black community to maintain a ‘strong’ stance and not depend on others. We are beings that thrive on interaction with others, therefore, to lean on the right people or things can only be beneficial for our mental wellbeing, as it helps your fall to be caught and held.

The tightrope walking experience may no longer feel so scary, hopeless, and isolating.

Written by Eve Banahene, BMMUK therapist and Mental Health Advisor.

You can visit Eve’s personal website here.

Trauma and Relationships

Fairytales have deceived us into believing that true love is effortless.

They have seduced us with the notion of the happily ever after, a promise to an unrealistic, unscathed love. More often than not, we were taught that a prerequisite for finding one’s soulmate is often the ability to defeat an evil witch or step-mother. Once the villain had been vanquished, the two lovers would finally unite in holy lust and live happily ever after. Or did they?

Did Snow White recover from the trauma of being poisoned? Could she still trust those around her, especially her prince, after being deceived so callously? And was she just supposed to ignore the fact that he kissed her without her consent?

Perhaps she was bearing deep, emotional scars from the ordeal that had ensued. Those wounds may have permeated her relationship and hindered her perfect love after all. The truth is that untreated trauma may impact our romantic relationships, thereby affecting how we interact and relate to our partners.

The attachment theory explores relationships between human beings and their psychological impact on social and emotional development.

Psychiatrist, psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby found that a child’s relationship with their caregivers influences their future relationships (The Attachment Project, 2022). He identified four attachment styles:

• Secure: You tend to feel safe, stable and satisfied in close and meaningful relationships;

• Anxious or preoccupied: you often seek approval or validation from someone. You feel extremely anxious at the thought of losing your loved one;

• Avoidant or dismissive: you see yourself as very independent and do not have a high regard for relationships. You may try to avoid emotional closeness;

• Disorganised or fearful avoidant: you do want close relationships, however fear them at the same time. You blow hot and cold.

The last three are commonly referred to as insecure attachment styles.

Research has demonstrated that relational trauma can also have a significant effect on our attachment styles.

So what does this all mean for those who have an insecure attachment style due to emotional baggage? Must we find a way to dump it before embarking on a relationship? Or should we just  acquiesce to the prospect of having a relationship beset with problems? Neither! It is possible to have a functioning romantic relationship, whilst familiarising yourself and coming to terms with the contents of your emotional tote bag (i.e. your invisible, trusted companion encroaching on your life).

Here are some tips for those of you in a romantic relationship dealing with your own trauma:

1. Identify your triggers - which situations evoke strong emotional responses?

2. Acknowledge those feelings and learn to sit with them. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, give yourself the time and space to calm down and quieten your mind by adopting some grounding techniques (e.g. breathing exercises, 54321, distraction techniques)

3. Journal - it’s a great way to process your emotions, as well as identifying patterns of thought and behaviour;

4. Communicate with your partner! I cannot emphasise this enough. Communication is the key. Clearly outline your needs. For example:

   • If you’re the anxious type, you may need some reassurance. Make this clear!

   • If you’re the avoidant type, you may require more space. Again, be transparent with your partner! 

5. Seek help from a therapist. There is no shame in this, since we all need help from time to time. A therapist will be able to help you process your trauma.

Despite your trauma or attachment style, it is completely feasible to have a successful, romantic relationship! Be in tune with yourself, gain a better understanding of your emotions, be reflective and honest about your needs. Be vulnerable with your partner and allow them to support you, to comfort you, to empower you or to give you the space you need. Do not run away from your past, embrace it! Remember, love is not enough - real fairytales require more than that.

Written by Dania Akondo, a qualified Croydon psychotherapist and counsellor, who adheres to the BACP ethical framework. She has a particular interest in issues of racism and relational patterns in adults who have experienced trauma.

References

The Attachment Project, 2020. Attachment Styles & Their Role in Relationships. [Online]. [Accessed 23 February 2022]. Available from: https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

The Selfless Act of Breathing

Trigger Warning: suicide.

JJ Bola’s second novel ‘The Selfless Act of Breathing’ is out in the UK with Dialogue Books.

It will launch in the US in Feb 2022, with French, German, Italian and Brazilian Portuguese translations also coming soon.

Part I: Memento Mori

Chapter 1

London Heathrow Airport Terminal 2; 9 a.m.

I quit my job, I am taking my life savings – $9,021 – and when  it runs out, I am going to kill myself.

The flight is in one hour.  He left with more than enough time to get there, yet some how it was lost; hesitation, fear, anxiety. Bodies pass him  in every direction. He stands still, looks up to the board to  find the check-in. He sees a young, blonde-haired mother  carrying her child. Behind them is a tall man, eyes closed,  earphones in, hair tied in locs, carrying a backpack and a  guitar, wearing harem pants, looking as though he is going  on an adventure to find himself. Two pilots and a quartet of  flight attendants glide through in coordinated steps, emanating a glow as if the path beneath them is lit up, followed  by two lovers with matching stonewash jeans delicately in  each other’s arms.

He rushes over to the queue. 9.15 a.m. He reaches the  front and passes his burgundy-red passport to the lady at  the counter. This passport, a thing hoped for, a blessing, a  prayer, can save a life, can make a life; can take a life, too.  This passport, split between red and blue, between land and  sea, between hope and despair. This passport, without it I have  no place to call—

‘Good morning, sir,’ she says and flashes her per-hour  smile. He mumbles a greeting, tapping his fingers on the desk. ‘What is your destination, sir?’ ‘San Francisco.’ She types into the keyboard with a blank expression. She  calls her colleague, who has already checked in three customers in this time. They both stare at the screen diligently.

‘What’s going on?’ he says, with palpable frustration. ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ the other colleague says, her heavily  made-up face  – contoured nose, lips painted a burgundy  wine – distracting him, ‘we can’t seem to find your booking.’ ‘That’s wrong! I booked the flight myself. My name is defi nitely there. Michael Kabongo. I can’t miss this flight. Look  again,’ he calls out, raising his voice and flailing his arms,  pointing; drawing attention. They look up at him, ignoring  his outburst, then at each other.

‘I do apologise, sir, you’re at the wrong check-in. You need  to go to . . . ’

His heart thuds as her voice fades out. He watches the  direction she points in. He snatches his passport back. 9.20  a.m. His lungs tighten and breath shortens as he runs through  the crowd. He feels too hot for this brisk autumn morning.  His skin boils under his coat; his scarf suffocates him. He  starts to sweat. He is at the back of a long S-shaped queue.  9.22 a.m. He bobs up and down on his toes with the same  kind of urgency as a child bursting to pee. He mumbles under  his breath, prompting others to look at him with suspicion. 

Someone at the front of the queue is loud, meandering,  making conversation, being friendly, wasting time. ‘Hurry up please, old man,’ Michael shouts out. The others  do that judgemental thing where they pretend not to have  seen you. I can’t go back. I can’t miss this flight.

‘Is there anyone in this queue for the AO1K23 flight to  San Francisco International Airport?’ A man’s voice floats  through the air.

Michael lunges forward, and so does a woman waiting a few  places behind him in the queue; her face the same picture  of relief as his. They are brought to the front. The man with  brown hair behind the check-in counter takes his passport  and types into the computer.

‘Any luggage to check in?’

He places his backpack on the scale.

‘Travelling light?’ the man says, smiling, which Michael  does not respond to.

‘You’re all checked in, sir. But you have to be fast. The  plane will be boarding very soon. Please make your way across  to airport security as fast as you can.’

Michael is running again. He arrives at security and sees  a swarm of people waiting as if queuing to enter a football  stadium. He paces up and down, trying to find a way to the  front. He sees a customer assistant letting people through,  two at a time.

‘Please,’ he implores, ‘my flight is at ten o’clock. I have to  go through now!’ She looks at his boarding pass and quickly  lets him through. 9.35 a.m. The gate closes fifteen minutes  before the flight. I have ten minutes left. His legs tighten, shaking, hands cramping up. He drops his passport and boarding  pass on the floor, fumbles trying to pick them up. He rapidly  takes off his jacket and scarf, belt, satchel, everything out of  his pockets and throws them on to a tray. 9.39 a.m. Michael goes through the metal detector and  the alarm bleeps. The security officer approaches him, looks  down at his feet, and tells him to take off his boots and go  back. He returns and tries to untangle the laces of his boots,  which are strapped up to the ankle, twisted and curled like  vines around a tree. He undoes them and rushes through the  metal detectors. The security officer waves him on. He grabs  his possessions and runs once again, running, always running. 

Gate 13. 9.43.

9.44. Michael is running through duty free, each step a  stomp heavy enough to leave its footprint through the floor. 

9.45. He sees Gate 13 up ahead in the distance. 9.46. He  arrives at the gate. There is no one there. He falls on to his  knees, panting. What a fucking waste. Maybe none of this  was meant to be.

In-between a mouthful of expletives, a woman appears  from behind the desk like a guardian angel and quiets  his ranting.

‘Boarding pass, sir?’

Michael hands her his boarding pass and clutches his chest.

‘Just in time, sir. Please take a breath and make your  way through.’

‘Thank you,’ he replies repeatedly, overflowing with  gratitude.

Michael walks through the plane door and is met with the  smiling faces of the flight attendants. He smiles back at them.  It is meant to be. He walks past the business-class flyers, who  don’t look up at him, and into the economy area to his seat  by the window. He sits beside a man whose belly is struggling  against the seatbelt and a woman who has already medicated  herself halfway to sleep. He collapses on to the seat, and feels  a calmness settle within him, the sun hanging on a distant  horizon.

This is the beginning of the end.

JJ Bola is an established writer, poet and UNHCR Ambassador. His three poetry collections – Elevate (2012), Daughter of the Sun (2014), and WORD (2015) – were all published in one definitive collection called Refuge (2018), which was read out in the British House of Commons during Refugee week in 2018. He was one of Spread the Word’s Flight Associates 2017 and a Kit de Waal Scholar for the Birkbeck University MA in Creative Writing. As a former refugee, JJ Bola was invited to the Davos Economic Forum 2018 and held a discussion with Cate Blanchett. His debut novel, No Place to Call Home, was first published in the UK in 2017, and in 2018 in North America. His non-fiction book Mask Off: Masculinity Redefined, which exposes masculinity as a socially conditioned performance, was published in the UK in 2019 and sold into five more languages worldwide. JJ speaks and performs both internationally and within the UK.

Bio and images by Pontas agency.

Why (as a young Black person) I want to fight for a world that goes beyond survival and embraces joy, fulfilment and belonging

Being young, Black and British in 2021 it's hard to not live in a state of constant rage.

The rage you feel deeply has many layers, roots and consequences. The rage is both personal and political

The rage is simultaneously communal and collective. The rage is rooted in the historical and the present. The rage that surrounds you paints, shapes and colours the lens you navigate the world through. It’s hard not to feel fearful, bleak and defeated. There are enraging injustices all around you. Here’s a short summary: In the history classroom Black stories of resistance, joy and contribution are lost, minimised and erased as a one dimensional perspective on Black life and history is presented as empire, colonialism and slavery is presented as the sum total of Black existence. It’s witnessing year after year the wasted potential of young people in your community as a result of an underfunded and ill-designed education system, whether it be the disproportionate school exclusion of young Black children or the existence of the school to prison pipeline. On a wider scale, it’s seeing and being hyper aware of the violent, traumatic and ever-present impact of institutional racism.  From cases of police brutality captured on social media, to the deportations of the Windrush generation, to the Grenfell Tower fire - we see the violent impact of a world working against the communities we are from, have grown up in and deeply love. 

What I’m talking about is inextricably linked to the mental health of young Black people.

In recent years we’ve started to make the important steps of destigmatising and highlighting the importance of therapy. But in this conversation about how we improve the mental health of our communities, we have to talk about the impact that systemic racism has on mental health. In the conversations within our communities and different spaces and action on Black mental health we have drawn the connection between the importance of tackling the stigma of mental health conditions in our community. We have to also more clearly draw the picture of our disproportionate exposure to poverty, violence, social, economic and educational exclusion and more of the violent implications of racism and disricmination. The world that I want us to build, that goes beyond survival, would help us tackle these underlying drivers of some of the mental health problems in our community.

For me, rage hits me the most in those rare but powerful and significant moments where my expectations of what the world could be like are raised but bitterly disappointed. To add context to this, in the backdrop of all that happened in 2020 but remained the same in 2020, this is what I felt. It’s hard to not have a bleak outlook when tens of millions marched in every corner of the world, protesting against racial injustice, police brutality was under a new spotlight and Black people spoke out against the systemic racism we face everyday, things remain fundamentally as they were before any of this happened. I thought out of the ashes of pain, crisis and action we would emerge into something radically different but instead the ashes have settled on how things always were. Despite the statements and promises by various powerful economic, cultural and political institutions we have seen very little material change for Black people around the world. In this context it’s easy for rage to kill our capacity to imagine and envision a better world. It’s hard not to be bleak and feel defeated when it looked like the world would change but it didn’t. This blog is my attempt to think about how, by nurturing and safeguarding our imagination through art, we can envision a world for young Black people that goes beyond survival and embraces safety, joy and fulfillment. Caleb Femi, the 28 year old South London poet, is one of the most important voices of our generation. His poem and the attached video of “Secret Life of Gs” is a powerful artistic representation of a society and world for young Black people that goes beyond survival and embraces joy, safety and fulfillment. This blog is a reflection on Caleb’s art, the importance of dreaming and working towards a world for young black people that goes beyond survival and some ideas of how we can practically get there.

“You all know what it is to live in a place where everything works against you. The policies, the politics, the police, the bloody weather”

“raise the roof praise the youth ask us how we made it through”

“take me away from the block where the sunrise has a different accent and we crack smiles not bones where there are more trees than lampposts more life in our shadows than ghosts more good mornings than who’s morning”

Here Caleb articulates pain, joy, resilience and a vision for a better future.  Those are just a few lines which connect with me most of what is one of the most impactful and important poems that you’ll ever hear. But how do we actually go about getting there?

It’s all about feeding and protecting our imagination, setting out frameworks and structure for supporting young people in changing the world and in our vision for a better society building spaces, systems and organisations which allow all young Black people to live lives that go beyond survival and embrace fulfillment, joy and belonging.

In the age of social media in which my generation is pushing forward social change it’s an increasing collective challenge to walk the line between raising awareness and callously putting forward the last moments of Black people who die at the hands of the police as if that in itself will change things. The feelings of despair and hopelessness and powerlessness I and so many other Black people felt in the face of the constant replaying of George Floyd’s brutal murder does nothing to push forward the cause of tackling police brualility. We have to see more respect for Black life. We can’t shy away from the reality of the situation but we can only sustainability fight for a better world if we safeguard and protect our imaginations from the relentless images of Black death and trauma which surround us. Part of this is about creating physical space in which young Black people can learn, find and build connections and have space for joy in their lives. Youth clubs once served this purpose but in the last decade of austerity they have been increasingly lost as youth services have been relentlessly cut. We need to imagine how we can bring back spaces that make joy a reality for more young black people.

In our fight for this world beyond survival we have to empower people to take action. Everyday I meet young Black people who have the drive and ambition to not only see where they’re talents can take them but also to improve the world in the process. The key is resources, structure and mentorship. Whether it be young poets, activists, historians, writers or anything else we need to think more fully about how we can practically support young people in developing their skills and changing the world.

The world beyond survival is also about big, bold and transformational change to the systems that we have from the economy, to the criminal justice system to the way schools are run. We need an economic model that puts the well-being of communities in hand and that of the climate above the relentless pursuit of profit. We need an education system built to harness the potential of all young people and equip us for the skills needed to survive the wilderness of adulthood. We need a criminal justice system that recognizes the safest communities aren’t the most criminalised but those with the most resources. Even as this world does not yet exist in the process of fighting for it we have to build spaces of joy, discovery and fulfillment for young Black people.

Words by Athian Akec @athianakec

Athian Akec is an eighteen-year-old activist, writer and speaker. His main areas of focus are climate change, youth violence and racial inequality. He's written for the Guardian, Independent, Huffpost, Huck magazine and other national newspapers. He's been profiled by The Times and was a cover star for i-D magazine's 40th anniversary up and rising profile of Black activists, writers, photographers and actors. Athian has spoken in the House of Commons as a member of the UK Youth Parliament in 2018 on the topic of youth violence. Athian also sits on the board of a youth charity and commission in Camden focusing on economic renewal following the pandemic, and is a special advisor to a Parliamentary inquiry into the teaching of Black history in British schools. Athian is set to be published by Penguin in September 2021 as a part of the "Black Joy" collection with an essay on the Black British cultural renaissance. Much of Athian’s new work is focused on highlighting forgotten aspects of Black history whether through the parliamentary inquiry, in TV features such as the AlJazeera Generation Change episode or through writing articles such as his 2020 opinion piece published in Esquire Magazine entitled “To Address Systemic Racism, We Need A New History Curriculum"

‘Why we’re supporting BMMUK’- Young Goat

At Young Goat, our ethos is to inspire confidence and improve self-esteem in everyone through our clothing. We’ve previously discussed some of the ways in which we have raised money for BMMUK already, which include two separate auctions, where in one we released 4 one-off, ‘black out’ items, as well as running 2000km as a community during MHAW (Mental Health Awareness Week). However, this is our biggest undertaking to date by some distance. Both BMMUK and Young Goat have been implementing and supporting change for a brighter future for over a year now. Together, we are creating an awareness campaign to coincide with Black History Month in the UK this October. For it, we shall be releasing a T-shirt to the public, all profits of which will go to BMMUK.

The topic of black mental health was sadly brought into sharp focus for us all at Young Goat earlier this year, with the passing of our friend and colleague Olisa Odukwe, who lost his battle with mental health at only 20 years old. This tragedy further emphasises how important this initiative is and invigorated our desire to make it a success. A purple heart has been added to the t-shirt sleeve in Olisa’s memory, an addition that we have made due to his love for UK rapper Dave and his song Purple Heart. 

We hope you can help us bring this campaign to national attention, so that we can raise as much money for the charity as possible, as well as raise awareness of the cause and of the services that BMMUK provide to so many in need. Help us give black people a louder voice. Thank you. 

The t-shirt is now live and available to buy via the young goat website! Head to www.younggoat.co.uk for more info.

Words by Vincent Onuegbu( @Vinceonu)-CoFounder of Young Goat

How to Look After Your Mental Health While Working in Mental Health

As a mental health advocate, I have been intrigued by the human mind and behaviour from an early age.

When I secured my first role in healthcare as an Assistant Clinical Psychologist, I was buzzing full of energy, though, admittedly, with a touch of trepidation. I so wanted to help care for and support vulnerable people.

A career like this is a vocation and you put so much of yourself into your work, so much so that sometimes it can be difficult to make a clear distinction between work and private life - striking the balance can be difficult. In fact, I’m not sure that a true balance between the two even exists. More importantly, who cares for, and looks after the professionals and carers involved? I don’t recall this information forming a part of my own induction or training when I entered this world. Although this was not too long ago, I hope that this has changed for the better.

I do, however, recall, quite vividly, the difficulty in leaving my work at home and “switching off” initially. I’ve always had so much empathy and compassion for patients and colleagues, sometimes to my own detriment. I quickly had to face the reality that in order to look after other people, you have to look after yourself first. This is not selfish, but a necessity. And, in part, may help to explain why promoting self-care and wellbeing has become so important to me. Recently, I have been reflecting on what worked well for me in this regard and also what I would tell my younger self, or anyone starting a career in health and social care for that matter…

A note to my younger self, forging a career in mental health care

Dear AJ,

I’ve been reflecting on my career working in mental health services lately and have gained some perspective, insights and lessons learned. Here are some things for you to consider:

• Listen to your body - take breaks and use your annual leave when you need to. Consider planning in advance some of the days that you might like to take off during the course of the year and hold on to some days for unexpected events, activities or trips.

• Trust your intuition - if something doesn’t feel right that’s because it probably isn’t!

• Talk to your colleagues - have regular chats with colleagues in your trusted network. Laugh together, cry together. They truly understand where you are coming from, particularly the ebbs and flows of your work.

• Develop your passions and interests or discover new ones - a gentle reminder that you do have a life outside work and it helps to have an outlet separate from it.

• Don’t be so hard on yourself! You always give it your all and try your best, that is more than good enough.

• Try to recognise when you might be struggling - you are naturally reflective and self-aware, but sometimes things do manage to creep up on you. 1. Note down your warning signals 2. When it's time, pile on the self-care and take better care of yourself. This may also help to avoid or manage burnout further down the line.

• Create and maintain boundaries at work - this applies to patients and colleagues. Yes, there is a need to be flexible at times, but don't be afraid to speak up and use your voice if you feel uncomfortable about something, someone or a situation. Unfortunately, your boundaries may be pushed, but this is a part of life. Don’t forget to be considerate of other people’s boundaries too.

• Laugh and laugh again - it’s a great release of tension! As they say, ‘laughter is good for the soul’. Continue to be your happy, positive and giggly self. Just do you!

• Embrace learning to deal with uncertainty - it's a part of the job I’m afraid, but you will develop coping skills and ways to manage this as time goes on. There are no clear-cut solutions in mental health care. Yes, there’s an evidence base to inform your practice, but honestly, some interventions are trial and error because one method does not fit all. Plus, there’s still so much to discover about mental health conditions and how best to treat them.

• Steer clear from office politics - enough said!

• Take your full lunch break - and don’t feel bad about it! Nope!

• Get moving - engage in some physical activity and movement to help boost your mental health; dancing around in your living room definitely counts!

• Have A Good Night’s Sleep - it’s truly restorative for your mind and body, so please try not to take it for granted.

• Do something that brings you joy - yup, this is all about you! Be selfish. You're so used to giving to others, now it’s time to do something strictly for yourself.

• Insist on regular supervision - you need and deserve a safe space to offload, reflect and improve your practice.

• Know your worth - you are worthy and don’t give anyone the time of day who tells you different.

• Find your happy place (outside of work) - don’t forget just how much you love to be by the water.

• Find a mentor - to help guide you. You may be surprised to discover just how much someone is willing to help you if you ask.

• Track your accomplishments - sometimes you simply need to remind yourself of all the progress you’ve made.

• Seek professional support if you need it - the earlier the better. You deserve support too. Sadly, so many people are in need of help but are too afraid to ask, perhaps even more so when your profession is all about helping others.

• I’m sure I’ve probably missed something - this list is not static, so feel free to add to it and shape it as you wish.

Read the full piece here.

Words by Amy-Jo Lynch @beyourowndate

Image by Anita Kinga

Friendships and mental health

Like a lot of things, becoming an adult over lockdown was hard - I’m not even sure I’m ready to call myself an adult yet.

The year that we were meant to leave home or get a job or start taking opportunities and make investments in the future was...ruined.

The one thing we could count on to get us through it, was friends. Except one thing you aren’t prepared for, is the friends that you lose.

There’s a Rupi Kaur poem about how losing friends is just as heartbreaking as losing someone romantically, but no one warns you about the pain. After BLM a lot of us discovered that some friends weren’t who we thought they were, while others were exactly who we thought they were but it was time to let them go. It’s a very startling pain that comes with a sort of betrayal.

Then, there are the people who lose friends to mental health - losses that have only increased after 2020. It seems crazy to go from finding out that people ‘our age’ are already having babies, to finding out that young people are also taking their lives. Those are the ones you don’t expect. Because that kind of pain is so easy to hide. The world seems to keep on giving pain at the moment - the more personal, and the more international - so that now when we go on social media, we’re not only comparing how much we fit the beauty standard, but also our mental health. It’s so easy to get into a mindset of ‘well my experiences haven’t been as bad as that, so I must be okay’. It’s so easy to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. 

And for the mental health wounds caused by years of racial trauma, whether on a micro or macro level, it can be hard to turn to the friends who may have gaslighted you - intentionally or unintentionally.

Sometimes there are people you can’t get away from. Whether through continued ignorance, a new kind of ignorance, or fetishisation. Those kinds of relationships add an extra layer of guilt to the burnout. I haven’t been able to do any particularly focused activism work in a long time - not because I stopped caring, but because I’m physically trying to recover from it all. And when you’re mental health is low, it’s so easy to feel alone. You can be inundated with friendships, see people regularly, but as soon as you’re alone again, you can’t quite remember what being with them feels like, and you feel alone. It’s really hard when it feels like your own mind is isolating you.

I wish that I could write something uplifting now, about how things will get better. And maybe they will, but the truth is, that nothing has felt that clear in a long time. And if there were no clear steps to adulthood before lockdown, there definitely aren’t now. All we can do is hold onto the people nearest to us. There will always be at least one friend in your life who won’t leave, even when your friendships with others fade, or new ones grow. With the stresses of adult life, it’s important to have that one friend you can open up to when you feel low.

It might just save you.

Taking the step to get professional help for mental health might seem like a giant leap, so sometimes it’s important to take a smaller step. Tell that one person, or maybe two, how you’re feeling, and let them help you take the bigger step.

Image and words by @lydia.baggaley

Post lockdown dating: how dating is a mirror for our mental health

The year is 2019.

Online and offline there is a buzz about entering a new decade.

Throwbacks fill your timeline with the #10yearchallenge and a new Instagram filter with the prompt ‘In 2020 I will be…’ hovers flickering responses over your head until it lands on the answer: ‘IN LOVE’. Your mystic fate is set, but little do you know the year that lies ahead...

Your mystic fate is set, but little do you know the year that lies ahead...

It’s fair to say that dating norms have changed drastically since the advent of the coronavirus pandemic. Social distancing meant fewer dates, and strict physical distancing measures designed to limit the spread of the virus seemed to ban intimacy altogether.  Then came the easing of restrictions that called for date walks outdoors and al-fresco dining.  In theory, this would have added a touch of glamour to the bizarre rom-com/sci-fi we were living, but unfortunately, I’m speaking about Winter and Spring in the UK- not the sexiest of climates. 

Adjusting to dating during the coronavirus pandemic presented its challenges to singletons. Many had to juggle this new landscape of connection during a time of great loss, uncertainty, and challenges to mental health.

According to Dr. Lisa A. Henshaw (LCSW, psychotherapist and assistant professor at Yeshiva University), “dating is another way that life has significantly shifted… daters have had to adjust to the loss of not being able to meet in person or have a hug or a hand touch.” But now that there is a cautious end-date in sight, could the sweet promises of July 19th be filling us with joy and expectation? Professor and social epidemiologist Dr Nicholas Christakis predicts that once pandemic restrictions lift, there will be a period that will be like a second “roaring 20s” where “people will relentlessly seek out social interactions” including “sexual licentiousness”. 

But are we really that eager to get back out there and date after a year that has seen massive changes to our social and political lives?

I, like many others, have done some reflection with the time I’ve had this past year. It seemed near impossible not to do so with the increased conversations on race, mental health, women’s rights and global inequality. 

Whilst I didn’t rule out dating altogether, it’s fair to say the bigger questions dominated my time with a fair deal of self-development and introspection, and it appears I am not alone in this. Jemma Ahmed head of insights at Bumble, says that many daters have used quarantine to think critically about what they want in life and relationships: “People are starting to get to know themselves a lot more,” says Ahmed. “And as a result, they’re taking the time to figure out who is and isn’t right for them.” In a trend they have coined ‘slow dating’ they note that “55% of users are taking longer to move a match offline” a staggering shift since pre-pandemic fast swiping. 

I believe dating is like a mirror for our own mental health and wellbeing especially in the age of coming out of a pandemic. As Shakti Gawain said: “the people we are in relationships with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.”

So how do we harness the good things we have learnt during the pandemic to create healthier connections when dating? How do we foster relationships that support rather than hinder our mental health?

1. TAKE STOCK

In order to get more of the good, we have to know what the ‘good’ is.

Whether you have taken a break from dating or you have enough stories to start your own online sitcom Issa Rae-style, a good starting place is to reflect on what has worked well. 

• What made the good dates good? 

• What has made you attracted to people? What has made you feel safe and as though your time was valued?

• What have you learned about yourself when you have experienced periods of loneliness?

• Are there times you have felt proud about setting boundaries? 

• Are there situations you wished you would have handled differently?

The answers to these questions are useful starting points for deeper understanding of what your green flags are. Better mental health is fostered when there are more positives outweighing the negatives and everyone feels as respected as possible.

2. TAKE YOUR TIME EVEN IF THE WORLD STARTS TO SPEED UP

It is completely normal to experience waves of anxiety as restrictions lift but remember there is no pressure to ‘make up for lost time’. Time has not been ‘lost’ it has been spent.  

• FOMO that has shifted to JOMO (Joy of missing out) for many. With the pandemic slowing down our clocks, we can use this as an opportunity to practice some mastery with our schedules and get intentional about only choosing to participate in experiences that fulfil us. 

• Pay attention to where time pressures with dating may come from. For many of us that are members of the BBM UK community cultural and religious expectations around dating or marriage may be a factor, or pressures around biological clocks to start a family. 

Focus on the timing that feels right for you. It will only be you living with the results of your choices and their impact on your mental health. 

3. SELF REFLECTION

If choosing a partner reflects our views of ourselves, what is your reflection saying?

We choose what we think we deserve. Think about the views you have about yourself when it comes to your character, confidence and physical appearance. 

• As a black platform, BMM UK have highlighted how gendered racism operates, and the world of online dating is no different. Media messages about what beauty looks like can be absorbed subconsciously, and often they are images that don’t look like us. That’s why it’s important to take care of our self-esteem and mental health.

• Therapies like CBT can help break cycles of negative thinking so talking to someone is always recommended.

• Dating apps can be a source of projecting more of the negativity that exists on social media and there is a whole digital etiquette to navigate. Remember that there’s no harm in taking a break when you need to. 

Use self-care and compassion to celebrate the positive traits in you. If it is hard, ask a loved one or reflect with a therapist that practices ‘positive regard’ (Rogers).

4. TRIGGER POINTS

Dating can highlight the best and worst in us if we pay attention to it.

We’ve all heard about the 5 love languages and I’m sure relish in telling others how we like to be loved. But are we as frank in sharing what we finding difficult about loving others or what scares us?

• Learning about adult attachment styles can help us understand how childhood experiences have shaped our current relationships. It is an invaluable way of understanding your patterns of choosing partners, realising subconscious limiting beliefs or why your relationship dynamics mirror examples of others you have seen in your life.

• In the modern grey area of situation-ships, there are a whole host of ways our internal models of attachments can be triggered. Knowledge is power in this instance. 

Remember attachment styles are a working model, so if you do some research and come to find you are mostly one way inclined, this can be worked on over time. 

THE TAKE AWAYS:

These are just a few reflections on how to make the most of dating post-lockdown and respecting your time and mental health.  The key thing is to remember to go with the flow and that the time we’ve had to reflect can be harnessed to our benefit. 

If these are issues you wish to explore in therapy BMM UK have a host of resources to access therapy, and there are a list of different books I would recommend plus journaling for better mental health on my website (https://www.riahwrites.com/post/how-to-start-journaling-for-self-care-mental-health-and-wellness)  

Riah is a mental health social worker dedicated to promoting better mental health and wellness for all. She is a writer and poet interested in creativity, wellness and social issues. For more articles visit www.riahwrites.com or connect with her on socials @riah_writes

High functioning, but I get it done.

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

High functioning, but depressed.

High functioning, but anxious.

High functioning, but I get it done.

My mental health is something that I have always, for lack of better word, struggled with. Something I have recently had to force myself to acknowledge. I wouldn't say I suffer with a mental health disorder but rather, I have experienced feelings of anxiety and depression at different moments in my life.

Being Black and Caribbean, anxiety and depression, and mental health in general, were not issues we discussed at the dinner table growing up, during the 6 o'clock news. We definitely had discussions, remarking  on the news stories, the meal, but never about how we were maintaining our mental health. In fact, I remember our mum telling us we had "nothing to be depressed about" during our teenage years. As far as she was concerned, we had never had it so good. A roof over our heads, food on the table, gas AND electricity.

We were fine.

And that's no shade to mum, this is a discourse which is prevalent across many households and generations. But the reality was, we weren't always fine.

I've spoken to many of my friends about this, and they agree that there exists a discourse around mental health being synonymous with sickness or being crazy in some families and cultures. And this goes back to generational differences in awareness and knowledge around mental health. However, just like we all have bodies, and physical health, we all have minds and mental health, which we must look after.

My experiences with poor mental health in adulthood stem from having not unpacked childhood trauma, feelings of not belonging or feeling out of place and struggling with my own identity vs. other people's perception of me, and just poor adult relationships.

Being part of a blended or reconstituted family, and not actively being able to acknowledge that has always made me feel out of place. More because it is something never really discussed, like a dirty secret, as opposed to the fact that I am indeed a stepchild (if you want to get into the semantics). Similarly, being passionate and opinionated, as a child and having this labelled as "attitude" - as opposed to something that could be positively nurtured - made me very self-conscious about how I am perceived, not being liked and not being seen how I wanted to be seen. By the time I hit 15/16, I spent less time hanging out socially with my friends in school, and more time learning to play chess in the library. Fast forward to sixth form and university, and I still hadn't found the voice that I had lost. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a mute but I definitely lost the passion and ‘opinionatedness’ I once had as a child. But, simultaneously, I still had high expectations of myself and my abilities.

I was, I am, anxious but articulate, self-conscious but confident. And this binary of feelings continues to give me a headache. Daily.

Being a black British, Caribbean woman, I have never felt that I was afforded the opportunity to express or unpack my mental health in a safe space. And I think this is very much part of my racialised experience. The intersections of my blackness and womanhood, and the stereotypes that come with that, means that often, black women are labelled angry, full of "attitude", aggressive, ill tempered, and illogical, and there is no empathy for black women (and black people on a wider scale) when it comes to mental health.

An ex-boyfriend once told me I suffered from bipolar disorder when I challenged his draining (and abusive) behaviour and the impact it was having on me. This guy  weaponised mental health in order to emotionally manipulate me. It's the abuse for me; and the audacity.

And, parents call you ungrateful when you call them out for the behaviour they exhibit which impacts your mental health and stupid for poor decisions made during spells of poor mental health. Where's the awareness?

So where is a good space, and when is a good time to address mental health?

In a space that's safe and at a time when you are ready and open to that conversation.

In the last two years, I have endeavoured to make a conscious effort to prioritise my mental health. The issue with me, is that even at my worst, I still get [insert s-word] done and so, I don't actually slow down enough to check in on myself or my mental health. But now, I'm slowing all the way down and giving myself, and my mental health, the attention we have long deserved.

Society, family, culture and everything in between will have us thinking prioritising ourselves and our mental health is selfish and wrong. But they're wrong.

There's no bigger priority than your mental health. Indeed, prioritising ourselves and our mental health is selfish but that's just the level of selfish we all need. It is ALWAYS the right thing to do.

And on that note, I think I'm almost ready to resume therapy…

Words & Image by Jamila Ayesha (@__jamilaayesha)

Healing and preserving peace: A year on from the resurgence of BLM

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

"I can't bring myself to watch yet another video, not because I don't care, but because we're all just a few videos away from becoming completely desensitized. The public execution of Black folks will never be normal."

Andrena Sawyer

Rewatching George Floyd get murdered by Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin in broad daylight was reliving trauma I badly wanted to forget. Sometimes I sleep and my subconscious keeps rehashing the words ‘I can’t breathe’. May 25th 2021 marked the one year anniversary of the brutal murder and the day the world was exposed to the hostile, inhumane and deadly way Black people are treated in certain parts of the global ecosystem. Recounting the gory details is too painful to document here. This was a communal tragedy for Black communities and further highlighted the casual violence we experience through our lifetimes.

This event marked a watershed moment in our Black history as it coincided with the most devastating global pandemic in the collective modern history. We had a lot of time to sit indoors, think about our lives, our experiences and the unfair cards the Black community had been dealt. A point further illustrated by BAME deaths being significantly higher through the pandemic. June 2020 was filled with immense racial trauma. It is not a surprise that the Black Lives Matter protests peaked on June 6, when nearly half a million people turned up in almost 550 locations across the United States.

Pain in itself cannot and should not be hidden. We have to acknowledge the communal grief and trauma we all are experiencing in these times.

It is characterized with mixed feelings, which range from: helplessness, to distress, to frustration and some of us have just gotten to the point where we are numb, and understandably so. When you’re terribly injured physically, and you use a band aid to cover up the wound without treating it properly, it festers and gets worse. This applies to our souls too. When we are hurting, we can’t just put band aids over it without initially working on the cause of the hurt, it only detoriates.

I wish I could confidently write that one year after the BLM protests, all is fine and dandy in the world, racism has been eradicated, we all are singing Hakuna Matata and living happily ever after. But you know and I know that this is not the case. If you believe this, then I have an airport in Africa to sell to you. Racism is still prevalent in so many forms, from individual to interpersonal to institutional and concurrently structural forms. We deserve to live in a world where Black people have racial and social equality, economic equity and unbiased criminal justice systems as human rights. As we look back on June 2020, we cannot negate the toll that racial trauma has on our mental health, but we can start working on making ourselves better

Here are a few ways to start:

1. Allow yourself to feel-

   This period comes with a lot of deep and painful emotions, let yourself feel them. It is important to acknowledge your hurt and sadness. Don’t brush it under the rug, don’t self-sabotage to cope, but have the courage to say ‘this is how I’m feeling and these emotions are valid’.

2. Digital detoxing-

   If you don’t have the emotional range for it, it is okay to take a digital detox as this is a period that is filled with remembrances from last year, traumatic stories and painful reminders. Please, don’t feel guilty for taking some time off to re-center yourself. It is okay.

3. Find connection in others-

   We in the Black community and our allies are all experiencing similar emotions right now. You are not alone and it’s okay not to be okay. Reach out to loved ones, friends, social networks and build a community for yourself. Be a safe space for the ones you love.

4. Show empathy-

   Not everyone will express their hurt the same way that you do. Some may seem highly emotional while others may seem unaffected. Honor and show empathy to everyone.

5. Finding joy-

   When terrible things happen, joy is usually not the first thing at the top of our minds. We are often overwhelmed with so many negative emotions that someone casually saying to us ‘find joy’ can sound almost insulting. But, now more than ever, you need to let some light in and create bowls of happiness for yourself. You can take up an activity that excites you, take walks, paint, garden, Netflix and chill (cheesy wink!).

6. Ask for help-

   As a community, we all need to get to a point where we can freely reach out for help and support without feeling further ostracized. If you’re feeling down and you can’t map your way out of the myriad of emotions you are experiencing, please reach out to someone. There is no shame in struggling with your mental health. You deserve to live a healthy life filled with joy.

Overall, there is a need for accountability, Black people need to stop being treated as pawns in a global chess game. Our lives matter, our mental health matters, our existence is valid, we deserve Black joy, Black laughter and Black freedom. I wish this was a love and light article, but some stories must be told. We are all unique and experience pain very differently, it is no surprise that everyone will go through these times in various ways.

Figure out what works for you and be patient with yourself.

“I know the world is bruised and bleeding, and though it is important not to ignore its pain, it is also critical to refuse to succumb to its malevolence. Like failure, chaos contains information that can lead to knowledge – even wisdom. Like art.”
-Toni Morrison

Words & Image by Yomi Olusunle (@theyommie_)

Well Springs Within

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

I am currently re-reading 'The Gift Of Our Compulsions' by Mary O'Malley.

In a nutshell the book encourages us to see our compulsions as Gifts; gifts because if we can stay still enough to understand them, we would find that at the heart of compulsion is a deep Wellspring waiting to fulfil and nourish our every need as no external thing ever truly can.

No compulsion can give us the relief that we deep down need; or even the relief we initially experienced when we first engaged in the compulsive behaviour. It is this very inability that makes the behaviour compulsive as it can never reach the underlying legitimate need.

Finding relief in compulsions is a bit like expecting eating a banana to quench your thirst when it is a drink that the body needs. Indeed, the only thing the banana can do is temporarily distract us from how thirsty we are. You can't fool the body, though we can spend our whole lifetime trying. The body knows what it needs and will come back to get it. The body is well equipped at doing its job, and is as equally committed to it. And its job? Keeping us well and strong, across the board. We give the body very little credit for this. Both we and the world very easily turn the body into 'enemy' then go on to treat it pretty badly, like it’s a robot without feeling and sensitivities.

In Mary O'Malley's book we are also encouraged to not only change the way we view compulsions, but also to change the way we relate to them,  bringing the light of much needed  understanding and compassion to them, seen as they initially came into being to help us deal with and manage some great big difficult something. So there's a way in which compulsions could be more readily resolved simply by seeing compulsions as more friend than foe, and in so doing, paradoxically take the sting out of them.

It is a testimony of how far I have come in my general healing journey, as well as in my recovery from disordered eating, that I have not fallen back into bulimia's misguided & crippling embrace, because currently and ongoing for a good few years, I have a couple of life events that are truly testing me. In the past these situations/triggers would have been good enough reason for me to fall back into my struggles with food; but I simply refuse to: Recovery wise, I have come too far to fall at this hurdle, and I am still 100% committed to living my best life experience possible, especially after a childhood marred by abuse and false starts.

So, the good news today is, which I ought to remember and feel prouder of myself about, in the old eating disorder days (12 – 22 years old) I would have binged and purged for much less!

The only thing about my eating that can concern me a little at times is, on occasion, I can still tend toward emotional eating. But overall, like I said, I have a very good handle on my eating, and that is the way I want to keep it, least of all because I’ve put a great deal of energy and effort into my recovery and healing from Bulimia.

Being well on the recovery road, I can tolerate and contain my, at times, internal angst and delay- and/or not engage- those inner compulsive drives, in a way I never could at the beginning of giving up bulimia and happening on the recovery road. I know that these difficult and painful feeling states can and do pass and I am now more familiar with the felt experience of their transmutation. So I no longer stand in Process' way because the reward and relief gained from this level of self-acceptance feeds and sustains me better than compulsively acting out ever did, or ever really could.

I am currently re-reading this book because like I said, I am feeling challenged on a number of fronts and I want to ensure that compulsion don't try to sneak in through internal, unconscious, back doors. I want to keep that bolt on, as my suffering does not need, or deserve, more suffering added on!

In regards to self-care, I do all those mind body and spiritual things to keep me well, like exercise, meditation, healthier eating, living more in the moment, and having greater self-appreciation and Presence in my day-to-day everyday life. I have also taken to, these past 3 weeks, gifting myself with a 'PJ- stay in bed all day- Saturday.' Even this is an achievement in and off itself as another one of my compulsions has been 'overdoing’ and ‘keeping busy.' Initially I had found taking this particular ‘fear of being still’ monkey off my back very difficult: taking it off my back and simply being, relaxing, and doing no-thing in particular..

Being still and allowing myself relaxation first felt incredibly painstakingly angst-filled, as well as mind-numbingly boring. Now that painful "Insperience' has too been mostly transformed from restless haunting into something that fills me more with Peace and Joy. Just being in the moment and enjoying it for all it’s worth, has been worth all the difficult feelings that initially accompanied doing no-thing. Sometimes it still takes me a minute or two to “come down” after being way too busy and up in my head for too long, but I now know the rewards of Mr & Mrs Peace and Joy (smiles).

All is a Process and takes time. It's taken me 33 years to be where I am today. It has also taken time to more fully realise that The Soul Food and The Joy is in the journey, not the destination. So try not to worry yourself too much, because as such, we already have all the time in the world that we need, and we don't have to wait 'until' some future date to truly In Joy our lives and Be Our True Selves. To quote the author,

"I am not offering you a cure; that is the old style of thinking in which your healing happens sometime in the future. This process is about inviting you into relationship with what is right now, (difficult or otherwise), for that is where true healing lies."

Like a child reaching to be picked up by her mummy and be given her mother’s time-which was the kind of thing that was missing and lacking when compulsion first came knocking for me-  we need to learn to reach down, pick ourselves up, and respond to our needs in more loving, appropriate and self-soothing ways. Why? Because we are worth it! 

And if you do not know, I know it for you!!

Peace & Love,

Denise..

Words & Image by Denise James (@fromtheheartandsoul)

Mental Health Awareness Week: How I connected with nature and asked for help

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

'There is something to be wondered at in all of Nature'

-Aristotle

This week is mental health awareness week and the theme is nature, which is pretty apt for the year everyone has had! Covid smacked us all in the face and effected a lot of people’s health. We were quarantined, isolated, separated from friends and loved ones and unable to leave the house for a long time unless it was to stand 6 foot away from someone in a queue outside of Aldi. When we were finally allowed out it was for exercise and we were limited to an hour outside! During lockdown going for walks became a huge coping mechanism for many people, it was an outlet and an escape from the home.

Connecting with nature doesn’t need to be visiting a National Trust or relaxing in your garden. These are luxuries that not everybody has access to. But you can still connect with and benefit from it. Whether that is going for a walk, reading a book in a local park or outside space, growing your own plants or treating yourself to some flowers! As adults we know how it can benefit us and children as well. As a primary school teacher I always notice how energised, happy and at ease the children are when they are engaged in Forest School sessions, exploring outdoors or learning outdoors. It’s like they realise the benefits from it before we as adults do! Raise your hand if your child has ever acted up in the house so you decide to get them out for a bit of fresh air... I know I’ve had to abandon plans multiple times to just get my toddler outside to calm down! It works!

There still seems to be stigma around mental health but we take preventative methods in regards to our physical health and we should be doing the same for our mental health. There is no use in waiting until there is a problem we should be taking precautionary steps to prevent issues arising (I understand it isn't always that easy).

The mental health foundation have created 7 top tips for connecting with nature, all of which are beneficial to our mental health.

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week/tips

All of these ways of connecting with nature can help;

• improving your mood

• reduces feelings of stress or anger

• help you take time out and feel more relaxed

• improve your physical health

• improve your confidence and self-esteem

• help you be more active

• help you make new connections

• provide peer support. (Mind; 2018)

Mental health and taking care of yourself has really taken centre stage since the beginning of 2020 and at the end of last year I did something that I don’t usually do. I reached out and asked for help! I was lucky enough to stumble across Black Minds Matter UK on Instagram. Their mission is to connect Black individuals and families with free mental health services — by professional Black therapists to support their mental health. I was matched with an amazing therapist, a woman in Birmingham, who has been supporting me and working with me since the beginning of the year. And it’s been great! I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress and feel like I’m in a much better place than I was. Yes I still get good days and bad but overall I’m happy! It’s important to share my reality with you, know that if you’re feeling some type of way, you are not alone!

Looking after you and your families mental health is really important and all of the above can help. Things like talking to others about how you’re feeling, sleep, having a healthy diet and exercise can be really helpful! What’s your go-to in nature that helps to uplift you? For me it's the beach, Sand Bay in particular, who doesn't feel with good with the sea breeze on your face?

Words by Caprice Fox

Portrait by Kitty Clark (@kittyclarkphotography)