Post lockdown dating: how dating is a mirror for our mental health
The year is 2019.
Online and offline there is a buzz about entering a new decade.
Throwbacks fill your timeline with the #10yearchallenge and a new Instagram filter with the prompt ‘In 2020 I will be…’ hovers flickering responses over your head until it lands on the answer: ‘IN LOVE’. Your mystic fate is set, but little do you know the year that lies ahead...
Your mystic fate is set, but little do you know the year that lies ahead...
It’s fair to say that dating norms have changed drastically since the advent of the coronavirus pandemic. Social distancing meant fewer dates, and strict physical distancing measures designed to limit the spread of the virus seemed to ban intimacy altogether. Then came the easing of restrictions that called for date walks outdoors and al-fresco dining. In theory, this would have added a touch of glamour to the bizarre rom-com/sci-fi we were living, but unfortunately, I’m speaking about Winter and Spring in the UK- not the sexiest of climates.
Adjusting to dating during the coronavirus pandemic presented its challenges to singletons. Many had to juggle this new landscape of connection during a time of great loss, uncertainty, and challenges to mental health.
According to Dr. Lisa A. Henshaw (LCSW, psychotherapist and assistant professor at Yeshiva University), “dating is another way that life has significantly shifted… daters have had to adjust to the loss of not being able to meet in person or have a hug or a hand touch.” But now that there is a cautious end-date in sight, could the sweet promises of July 19th be filling us with joy and expectation? Professor and social epidemiologist Dr Nicholas Christakis predicts that once pandemic restrictions lift, there will be a period that will be like a second “roaring 20s” where “people will relentlessly seek out social interactions” including “sexual licentiousness”.
But are we really that eager to get back out there and date after a year that has seen massive changes to our social and political lives?
I, like many others, have done some reflection with the time I’ve had this past year. It seemed near impossible not to do so with the increased conversations on race, mental health, women’s rights and global inequality.
Whilst I didn’t rule out dating altogether, it’s fair to say the bigger questions dominated my time with a fair deal of self-development and introspection, and it appears I am not alone in this. Jemma Ahmed head of insights at Bumble, says that many daters have used quarantine to think critically about what they want in life and relationships: “People are starting to get to know themselves a lot more,” says Ahmed. “And as a result, they’re taking the time to figure out who is and isn’t right for them.” In a trend they have coined ‘slow dating’ they note that “55% of users are taking longer to move a match offline” a staggering shift since pre-pandemic fast swiping.
I believe dating is like a mirror for our own mental health and wellbeing especially in the age of coming out of a pandemic. As Shakti Gawain said: “the people we are in relationships with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.”
So how do we harness the good things we have learnt during the pandemic to create healthier connections when dating? How do we foster relationships that support rather than hinder our mental health?
TAKE STOCK
In order to get more of the good, we have to know what the ‘good’ is.
Whether you have taken a break from dating or you have enough stories to start your own online sitcom Issa Rae-style, a good starting place is to reflect on what has worked well.
What made the good dates good?
What has made you attracted to people? What has made you feel safe and as though your time was valued?
What have you learned about yourself when you have experienced periods of loneliness?
Are there times you have felt proud about setting boundaries?
Are there situations you wished you would have handled differently?
The answers to these questions are useful starting points for deeper understanding of what your green flags are. Better mental health is fostered when there are more positives outweighing the negatives and everyone feels as respected as possible.
2. TAKE YOUR TIME EVEN IF THE WORLD STARTS TO SPEED UP
It is completely normal to experience waves of anxiety as restrictions lift but remember there is no pressure to ‘make up for lost time’. Time has not been ‘lost’ it has been spent.
FOMO that has shifted to JOMO (Joy of missing out) for many. With the pandemic slowing down our clocks, we can use this as an opportunity to practice some mastery with our schedules and get intentional about only choosing to participate in experiences that fulfil us.
Pay attention to where time pressures with dating may come from. For many of us that are members of the BBM UK community cultural and religious expectations around dating or marriage may be a factor, or pressures around biological clocks to start a family.
Focus on the timing that feels right for you. It will only be you living with the results of your choices and their impact on your mental health.
3. SELF REFLECTION
If choosing a partner reflects our views of ourselves, what is your reflection saying?
We choose what we think we deserve. Think about the views you have about yourself when it comes to your character, confidence and physical appearance.
As a black platform, BMM UK have highlighted how gendered racism operates, and the world of online dating is no different. Media messages about what beauty looks like can be absorbed subconsciously, and often they are images that don’t look like us. That’s why it’s important to take care of our self-esteem and mental health.
Therapies like CBT can help break cycles of negative thinking so talking to someone is always recommended.
Dating apps can be a source of projecting more of the negativity that exists on social media and there is a whole digital etiquette to navigate. Remember that there’s no harm in taking a break when you need to.
Use self-care and compassion to celebrate the positive traits in you. If it is hard, ask a loved one or reflect with a therapist that practices ‘positive regard’ (Rogers).
4. TRIGGER POINTS
Dating can highlight the best and worst in us if we pay attention to it.
We’ve all heard about the 5 love languages and I’m sure relish in telling others how we like to be loved. But are we as frank in sharing what we finding difficult about loving others or what scares us?
Learning about adult attachment styles can help us understand how childhood experiences have shaped our current relationships. It is an invaluable way of understanding your patterns of choosing partners, realising subconscious limiting beliefs or why your relationship dynamics mirror examples of others you have seen in your life.
In the modern grey area of situation-ships, there are a whole host of ways our internal models of attachments can be triggered. Knowledge is power in this instance.
Remember attachment styles are a working model, so if you do some research and come to find you are mostly one way inclined, this can be worked on over time.
THE TAKE AWAYS:
These are just a few reflections on how to make the most of dating post-lockdown and respecting your time and mental health. The key thing is to remember to go with the flow and that the time we’ve had to reflect can be harnessed to our benefit.
If these are issues you wish to explore in therapy BMM UK have a host of resources to access therapy, and there are a list of different books I would recommend plus journaling for better mental health on my website (https://www.riahwrites.com/post/how-to-start-journaling-for-self-care-mental-health-and-wellness)
Riah is a mental health social worker dedicated to promoting better mental health and wellness for all. She is a writer and poet interested in creativity, wellness and social issues. For more articles visit www.riahwrites.com or connect with her on socials @riah_writes