Boundaries within Friendships, and the Impact on Mental Health.
Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.
Boundaries help to communicate, respect, and validate our needs within friendships.
They are important for our mental health and can improve our relationships by respecting each other as individuals. However, pressures and expectations within friendships can sometimes blur the boundary lines which can cause feelings of anxiety.
Examples of this can be such as feeling pressured by friends to respond quickly to text messages or be available at all times, and saying ‘no.’ What happens to these feelings? Very often we internalise them.
Not being able to fulfil an instant level of support can cause feelings of guilt, anxiety, and make us worry that we are not being a good friend.
Having conversations with friends about this can be uncomfortable, but this also shows the strength of the friendship. One important friendship boundary involves being able to have these type of conversations which allow you to feel safe to express your feelings.
This leads me on to explore the boundary of different levels of support in friendships.
There are some friends that we are closer to than others, which means that support levels amongst friends may differ. So how do we start to think about different levels of support within our personal friendships?
In the past I’ve confused the different types of friends that I’ve had and felt that everyone should get equal time from me. However, I learnt that there are differences between friends and acquaintances. History with a person can blur these lines. How much time, effort, and investment in someone makes them an acquaintance? Tyler Perry shared an analogy about people being like a tree, and this made so much sense.
Perry talked about people being like Leaves, Branches, and Roots, and this can be applied to friendships. Roots are the friends that hold you up, you know that they are always there, wish you well, and you are comfortable with them.
“If you go through an awful storm, they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you and water you.”
Branch friends are the ones who can hold you up at times, but are not as strong as roots and can break during tough times and are not able to weather all storms. The final type of friend is a Leaf friend, and they are only there for a season, or maybe suited to different activities (such as socialising). Explore your friendship groups, and the type of friend that you are. Are your support and expectation boundaries aligned with your current friendships?
Another important boundary is recognising that some friendships have an expiration date, and you may have to leave a friendship earlier than you thought due to it no longer working. I remember my therapist using a Train analogy with me when it came to the length of friendships. She said that relationships are like boarding a train. You will notice that there are people on the platform who begin your journey with you. Only some get off at your stop. This can be applied to friendships. Some will stay with you, and some will not. However, they are all part of your journey.
So how do you know when a friendship is no longer working? I have identified some signs below:
Signs that a friendship is not working:
Experiencing low energy levels and feeling drained, in or after their presence.
The friendship feels one-sided with you always reaching out first.
Feeling like you have to hold back on sharing your achievements, celebrations, or emotionally challenging times.
No longer having much to speak about and awkward silences.
Hanging out feels like an obligation.
Frequent ghosting and cancelling plans, showing that priorities have changed.
Feeling lonely in their presence.
Experiencing more misunderstandings than understandings.
History feels like the only thing holding the relationship together.
Friendships can change, evolve, or be lost and if you recognise any of these signs, the next step would be to have a conversation with your friend.
It is important to take time with what you are experiencing, as you are working through the loss or change of a friendship that has been part of who you are. This can be painful, so remember to have self-compassion. I found it important to have access to a safe space to work through this which can involve your support network or therapy.
There are some compromises that have to happen in friendships, but your mental health is not one of them.
Words written by Martina Jean-Jacques, follow her on instagram on @mjj_psychotherapy