On Black sobriety and saving our own lives

It was the moment my wig left my head and flew across the room whilst cheating on my boyfriend in front of a room full of people, that I realised my relationship with alcohol had to change.

My name is Yaz Spark, my pronouns are she/her and I’m a sober, black woman.

I have been sober since 2016, so six years and counting. I went sober after realising I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism for my chronic CPTSD. I was employed, had so called friends (drinking buddies), and had somewhere to live. But I was trapped in an endless cycle of severe depression, anxiety, and lying, fuelled by drinking. I couldn't get the bus, I avoided people and social occasions unless I had drunk beforehand. When I went out drinking I frequently had no idea how I got home and that's if I even made it home - with no recollection of whatever had happened previously.

Going sober saved my life, literally and metaphorically.

It's no secret that The UK has a toxic drinking culture, one where we are encouraged to drink to unhealthy levels and viewed as ‘boring’, ‘odd’ or ‘up tight’ if we don't. There’s a sinister undertone of exclusion of non-drinkers - bars are not safe spaces due to the lack of alcohol-free drinks options and atmosphere centred around excessive alcohol consumption. There's no fun alternative to socialising without the inclusion of a drink in your hand. Combine this with life pressures, pandemic, economic decline and living in a systemically racist country, and it's enough to make anyone feel like they need something to take the edge off.

I had been drinking since I was 13, when it was an induction to teenage life, and through each traumatic or nerve-wracking event, alcohol was always there to numb me from my feelings. The problem was, my underlying trauma never went away. Instead, the addiction grew. There is a strong link between mental illness and substance use disorders. In fact, according to the journal Social Work in Public Health, around half of those who struggle with addiction have co-occurring mental health disorders and vice versa. When we suffer from poor mental health we often lack enough of the “feel good” brain chemicals, like serotonin and dopamine. Alcohol tricks the reward centres in the brain so you think you are alleviating these symptoms when in reality they are being exacerbated.

Throughout my late teens and early 20's my family didn't really comment on my drinking other than to say I was going off the rails. Noone reached out to offer support. It was a problem with myself, in my family's eyes. I needed to stop and just behave.

I made the decision to get sober in the summer of 2016. For me, personally, I found AA to be a smaller-scale microcosm of the society we live in. Not equipped to support its members who deal with myriad intersecting reasons for their drinking. Therapy was a true life saver. I searched for a therapist using BAANT (Black and Asian Therapists Network) and later on, I joined online AA groups run by and for black and brown people.

I left my job, moved cities, and began my MA. I basically spent the first 2 years of recovery, living back at home, leaving the house 3 times a week, once to uni, once to therapy and once to the gym. That was my life. To begin with, I felt resentful and fearful that I was delaying my career and my life, but sometimes you have to be like an arrow and allow yourself to be pulled backwards before you can move forwards.

Sobriety takes courage. It takes facing up to yourself and your demons. It takes bravery to truly be comfortable in your own skin and accept yourself - flaws and all. If you are on this journey or are even just considering cutting down, have faith you will find your joy in the end. This is a lifetime process, not an overnight correction.

Being sober has allowed me joy and freedom I never would have had if I’d continued drinking. I honestly believe joy is our innate human setting, but it takes stripping everything back, releasing our addictions and doing the hard inner work to return to that state.

I no longer fear life, my voice or other people. I no longer try to drown my thoughts or cope with challenging situations by drinking through them. I actually have more fun at parties because I listen to myself and my body. If a party is not lit then I give myself permission to just leave and go do what makes me happy.

In March this year, I decided to solve the problem of creating safe spaces for non-drinkers by launching a pop-up non-alcoholic bar. I could never have done any of this without the joy for life and the desire to embrace who I am in a mindful loving way that sobriety and therapy have given me.

For more information and resources contact: https://www.baatn.org.uk/ ; https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://alcoholchange.org.uk/ , @soberblackgirslclub @soberbrowngirlscollective, @soberisdope

Words and image by Yasmin Spark. Follow her on instagram on @sugarwaterxx and follow her company on @align_events_

Why not visit one of Yaz’s pop ups near you soon? We know we will be!