Trauma and Relationships
Fairytales have deceived us into believing that true love is effortless.
They have seduced us with the notion of the happily ever after, a promise to an unrealistic, unscathed love. More often than not, we were taught that a prerequisite for finding one’s soulmate is often the ability to defeat an evil witch or step-mother. Once the villain had been vanquished, the two lovers would finally unite in holy lust and live happily ever after. Or did they?
Did Snow White recover from the trauma of being poisoned? Could she still trust those around her, especially her prince, after being deceived so callously? And was she just supposed to ignore the fact that he kissed her without her consent?
Perhaps she was bearing deep, emotional scars from the ordeal that had ensued. Those wounds may have permeated her relationship and hindered her perfect love after all. The truth is that untreated trauma may impact our romantic relationships, thereby affecting how we interact and relate to our partners.
The attachment theory explores relationships between human beings and their psychological impact on social and emotional development.
Psychiatrist, psychologist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby found that a child’s relationship with their caregivers influences their future relationships (The Attachment Project, 2022). He identified four attachment styles:
Secure: You tend to feel safe, stable and satisfied in close and meaningful relationships;
Anxious or preoccupied: you often seek approval or validation from someone. You feel extremely anxious at the thought of losing your loved one;
Avoidant or dismissive: you see yourself as very independent and do not have a high regard for relationships. You may try to avoid emotional closeness;
Disorganised or fearful avoidant: you do want close relationships, however fear them at the same time. You blow hot and cold.
The last three are commonly referred to as insecure attachment styles.
Research has demonstrated that relational trauma can also have a significant effect on our attachment styles.
So what does this all mean for those who have an insecure attachment style due to emotional baggage? Must we find a way to dump it before embarking on a relationship? Or should we just acquiesce to the prospect of having a relationship beset with problems? Neither! It is possible to have a functioning romantic relationship, whilst familiarising yourself and coming to terms with the contents of your emotional tote bag (i.e. your invisible, trusted companion encroaching on your life).
Here are some tips for those of you in a romantic relationship dealing with your own trauma:
Identify your triggers - which situations evoke strong emotional responses?
Acknowledge those feelings and learn to sit with them. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, give yourself the time and space to calm down and quieten your mind by adopting some grounding techniques (e.g. breathing exercises, 54321, distraction techniques)
Journal - it’s a great way to process your emotions, as well as identifying patterns of thought and behaviour;
Communicate with your partner! I cannot emphasise this enough. Communication is the key. Clearly outline your needs. For example:
If you’re the anxious type, you may need some reassurance. Make this clear!
If you’re the avoidant type, you may require more space. Again, be transparent with your partner!
Seek help from a therapist. There is no shame in this, since we all need help from time to time. A therapist will be able to help you process your trauma.
Despite your trauma or attachment style, it is completely feasible to have a successful, romantic relationship! Be in tune with yourself, gain a better understanding of your emotions, be reflective and honest about your needs. Be vulnerable with your partner and allow them to support you, to comfort you, to empower you or to give you the space you need. Do not run away from your past, embrace it! Remember, love is not enough - real fairytales require more than that.
Written by Dania Akondo, a qualified Croydon psychotherapist and counsellor, who adheres to the BACP ethical framework. She has a particular interest in issues of racism and relational patterns in adults who have experienced trauma.
References
The Attachment Project, 2020. Attachment Styles & Their Role in Relationships. [Online]. [Accessed 23 February 2022]. Available from: https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/