Sun, Sea and Self-image: the impact of microagressions on mental-wellbeing

Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.

I have called Cornwall home my whole life, it’s where my family, friends and all my childhood memories live - yet it is a place that I have not always been made to feel like I belong.

This feeling has grown from years of having the question ‘where are you really from?’ thrown at me and reinforced by comments about how ‘exotic’ or ‘foreign’ I look.

Cornwall is one of the least diverse counties in the UK, with the BAME community representing only 1.8% of its population. This distinct lack of diversity results in an exaggerated lack of understanding and education when it comes to race and creates an atmosphere in which racism is normalised. Cornwall, like other rural parts of the UK, can in fact often feel like a hostile environment for those of us from the BAME community who call it home.

My brother and I have grown up with microaggressions as part of our day to day lives. Stares from strangers, comments on our skin and hair, ‘jokes’ that most definitely aren’t funny, as well as more overt forms of racism. Naturally, this has had a lasting impression - shaping the people we have become and influencing our outlook on the world.

Growing up kids were more than happy to sling racist remarks across the school bus or field but shuddered at discussing racism in class. And even when it was discussed in class, our white teachers were ill-equipped for, and both students and staff were uncomfortable with, these conversations. It was standard for us to be the only member of the BAME community in a classroom. The experience of racism was therefore an isolating one. Not only was it an experience that none of my friends could relate to, but one that many of them, while we were at school, had no desire to learn about and even contributed too.

It’s a highly distressing feeling that comes with the realisation that your friends and neighbours are in fact inherently racist - many of them without knowing or admitting it, but a few overtly and openly. It is impossible to reconcile their views and actions with their relationship with you, especially when this is coupled with claims that they do not ‘see colour’ or a denial that they could ever, even unconsciously, contribute to the issue. Declaring that you are not racist does not automatically strip you of unconscious bias or redeem you from any racist comments, actions or beliefs.

We all have to do the work and these conversations are important.

The exhausting reality of discussing racism is the need some people feel to play ‘devil’s advocate’ or dictate to us how we should react or feel. Years of having my voice silenced means I have found it hard in the past to confront racism when I experienced or witnessed it. The fact that I have so often been ignored, shut down and argued with means I still get anxious when discussing race and racism. Comments such as ‘it’s not always about race’ or ‘you are just overreacting’ fed into my self-doubt and made me question my reality and experiences.

It’s because of this that Imposter Syndrome often convinces me that my voice does not matter when it comes to conversations about racism.  

Throughout my life I have also wrestled with perfectionism, people pleasing and High Functioning Anxiety. This all eventually culminated in the scary point in which I developed bulimic tendencies. It was while working through this that I came to realise that many of my struggles are rooted in the fact that I have grown up trying to prove myself. While this is an experience that many can relate to, growing up mixed-race in an area that is so predominantly white adds a deeper layer.

I had to do better than my white peers to prove that I was equal to them, feeding into my fear of failure and exacerbating my anxiety.

It is also with hindsight, that I now understand that a lot of my battles with body image and self-worth originated from the fact that I did not see myself reflected back in the media growing up, but also importantly, within my own community or among my peers. In addition to this, the frequency at which I experience microaggressions that are rooted in my appearance inevitably takes a toll on my mental wellbeing and self-image. It is also significant that, as someone with a mixed heritage, people have always wanted me to be one thing or another, to fit into a box, this meant that it was hard for me as a young girl to develop a sense of self outside of people’s expectations.

The weight of racism is therefore a heavy one and it can have an enduring impact on the mental health of Black and mixed-race people as well as other ethnic minorities.

The microaggressions that I experienced as a child and continue to experience have had a lasting effect on my mental well-being and self-image.

There is a deep need for education and conversations about racism in Cornwall, people need to be held accountable for their words and actions and the impact that they have. This work should not and cannot be done by the BAME community alone. Similarly, mental health and wellbeing is in desperate need of attention in the county. These conversations may be difficult, but they are fundamental if we are ever going to see much needed change.

Words & Image by Laila Hodd (@lailahodd_)