Do you remeber your first time?
Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.
“Eenie meenie miney moe, catch the Nigger by the toe. If it wriggles let it go, eenie meenie miney moe!”
I was seven years old when I first heard the word Nigger, I didn’t know what it meant but for some reason when I heard it I immediately felt sad.
“What’s a Nigger?” I asked as the circle of kids continued to stare at me, “It’s just another name for people like you” said Emma. Emma was seven years old like me, we were kids; we cared about sweets and playing but on that afternoon I suddenly realised that there was something wrong with my seven year old self, I was no longer just a kid playing in the playground, I was a BLACK kid playing in the playground.
When I got home that evening I asked my mother what that word meant… BIG MISTAKE! When you have a strong black African mother the wrath is real and so is the side eye! We went to school the following day and my mother spoke to the Headmaster. No action was taken and I was met with “It was just a joke” from the other white school kids. From that day I have experienced all forms of racism from certain friends who thought it was ok to introduce me as their “Nigger friend” (we no longer speak), to being asked why my lips are so rubber like, why my nose looks like a Monkey’s nose, to being told I was ugly but at least I have nice hair. By the time I reached 10 years old I was using bleaching creams to make myself lighter. Being a child of the 80s/90s everything on TV and in magazines celebrated the “whiteness of society” there was nothing I could relate to because no one looked like me. I used to dream about how life would be if I was white! Then one day I was watching the news and a woman appeared on the screen, she was darker skinned and she had hair that looked like mine – her name was Moira Stuart. Believe me when I say my heart nearly exploded when I saw her face, to which point I asked myself “How did she get on TV?”
Having that type of insecurity from a young age moulds a child into an adult riddled with fear, anxiety and uncertainty. I am now in my 30s and I still feel uneasy with myself. When I apply for roles I am asked to send in a photo because my surname is different or as soon as I am face to face with said employers I receive rejection emails saying:
“You do not fit with the company’s culture” “You’re a lovely person but you’re just not right”
“Sorry, we’ve gone with a candidate who was a better fit”
I once turned up to an interview and the female interviewer walked out to the reception area and said my name as she smiled and approached the pretty brunette in the corner, I stood up and said “Hi, I’m Lydia” and her face dropped.
These types of scenarios are far too frequent for black people. We have all been in situations where we’ve had to hold our tongue because we didn’t want to lose our job or worse… be labelled as the “difficult black woman”. Now more than ever it is important for everyone to see and understand the sheer disrespect we face as black people. We have had enough of sitting quietly in the corner in order to make everyone feel at ease, we have had enough of being told we do not fit, we’re too loud, we’re too dark, our features do not sell, for a black person you’re actually quite attractive….
IT’S ENOUGH!
When a black child is born their parents have to decide on when to have the conversation about race and how the colour of their child’s skin will be an issue as they grow up - a white person will never have to have that conversation with their child. For that reason I am hesitant about bringing an innocent soul into THIS world. Would I like to be a mother? Not sure; there are too many conversations I will need to have with my child and I’m scared, I’m scared of watching the natural joy from my child’s face disappear once they realise how the world sees them.
The murder of George Floyd has remarkably opened the world’s eyes to racism. We know it’s there – it’s ALWAYS been there but now is different; the world is witnessing an uprising. Black people are speaking up and being unapologetically black! The frustration has boiled over and we can no longer keep schtum. I attended the protest at Parliament Square on 6th June 2020; it was my first protest and it meant so much to me – I was finally allowing my voice to be heard. The outpouring of solidarity was quite something too. It was unexpected and I found myself having to hold back tears. Now is the time when we need to see who our real allies are - we know you exist! Will you “PULL UP” with us?
“Change is coming. The next generation of young black souls will not sit in silence; they will walk with their heads held high knowing that they are seen, heard and very much an equal member of all life that matters.”
Words written by - Miss L. Mbala Image taken by - Mr S.J Sargeant Rights owned by both parties